Up until yesterday, I was of the belief that one of the reasons I feel bored, frustrated or sad most of the time is because I simply don't have any "productive" hobbies. Frankly, I don't really have any hobbies at all. I only frequently play maybe two or three games, all of which are singleplayer and none of which require any semblance of intellectual input or meaningful mechanical skill whatsoever, and I divide the rest of the time on my computer between this site, 4clitty, YouTube and my eclectically-used writing document. As an attempt to break this monotony, I decided to try something new for once, that being the drum set which my sister received for a birthday aeons ago and which has coincidentally been collecting dust in my shed for nearly as long.
<The shed is completely cluttered and full of old, useless junk, so I had some difficulty reaching the tightly packed drum set and sitting down to play. I loaded up a YouTube tutorial which explained the very basics, followed by another focusing on playing the most simple, barebones sequences. I can't fathom why, but even the most basic things, rhythms which literal toddlers who aren't even capable of reading and writing can replicate, came to me with difficulty, in spite of repeated practice. The absolute beginner melodies used as short examples for their sheer simplicity proved to be something I took a lot of time to get the hang of even with repeated trial and error. Even still, when I finally managed to get things right, it did not feel rewarding enjoyable, just a minor lapse in frustration and contempt, underlined by the feeling that I will never be good at anything. I went into this activity actively trying not to compare my progress to others, which is something I often hear hinders motivation, but even while blocking my mind from focusing on these thoughts, it was utterly ineffectual. After some time of having at this, I got quite upset and felt a lump forming in my throat, which prompted me to say some veritably extreme things in desperate prayer, which was then followed by me putting down the sticks and retreating back to my clittycel cave.
<This experience has only served to further drive home the realisation that, even when I try to "have fun" in a productive manner, all it does is make me frustrated, hateful and upset instead of bored, agitated and restless. The sad thing is, this applies to virtually every other
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