â„–69793[Reply]
My first four months of adulthood have so far been characterized by abject decadence, laze and misery. It's so disgusting, I grow squeamish to even mull it over. My presence in the world is undoubtedly a net negative, likely deeply in the red. If my existence is a net negative, and my non-existence would be a net-neutral, why shouldn't I just die? The truth is, I won't kill myself, because I would go to Hell. I believe such a state, that is to say wanting to die but refusing to do so because you fear the torment of Hades, is likely the most cowardly position a man could possible find himself in, maybe second only to actually being dead by suicide. I would guess, given my constant want for death and refusal to actually die, I will find myself in a state of psychosis in the coming years. I am afflicted with deep delusion and prelest, and am constantly bombarded with bizarre existentialism. Maybe a smarter man would find a way to intellectualize this, but it only leaves me miserable. I am not a person to worship rationality. I believe in God, I believe life has purpose, I believe reality and nature exist and have a purpose. Yet all I can do is lay in bed, or go to work, and that's about it, all the while I think about meaningless worldly drivel. My mind wanders to bitterness, wistfulness, lust, despair, rapidly and without reason. I can only describe it as a haze, straightforward thinking rarely plays a role. Whenever my mind goes to how I can fix this, I'm overcome with despondency. "What's the point, none of it really matters." I know it's not true, but it's as if on some deeper level I've already resigned to it. If life really did have a meaning, maybe I'm just an exception. Maybe I already fouled it up so badly that it's not even worth trying anymore. Even though I know these things are objectively incorrect, it's all my mind ever goes to. I'm not even looking for advice, I know what I need to do in life, I actually have a very good grasp on that part, but it's my interior that's the problem. From the outside I probably look like a normal person. Though nobody has ever really been capable of connecting with me. I would bet I resemble an "NPC". I try to make myself as normal and inoffensive as I can appear, and frankly I succeed.
Sorry if this sounds pseudo-intellectual, I guess I get my thoughts out better speaking like this. This was inane anyway.
7 posts omitted. Click reply to view. â„–70206
>>69793 (OP)The reason why it feels like nothing matters is because it's difficult for the average person to make a difference in their community, which is because so much of the west lacks a sense of community. Yeah, you can go to the gym, get a degree, marry and have kids, but all of these things don't innately make the world a better place. At the end of the day, you do all of those things for yourself, to secure your social and economic standing in society. It's for your ego and survival. We are taught to value self-actualization over civic duty. It feels like we can only make a difference in our own lives, nobody else's.
If you achieve your personal goals, it doesn't make much of a difference in the world. Whether you're married or single, working or unemployed, alive or dead - in the grand scheme of your country, it makes no difference. So if you hate yourself, why try to do anything?
â„–70208
>>69793 (OP)Think of life as an exercise/test to go to heaven and enjoy eternal heaven. Every step and action should be making you a better person and for allowing you to enter heaven. Such as learning new skills to make more money so you can afford a family and donating it to the poor and such and such. Im not an adult so i dont know what its like, whats so bad about adulthood?
â„–70209
>>70208life in general even as a teenager can be full of laziness, degeneracy and loneliness, whats different in adulthood? I imagine you dont have to conform to people at school who are the personifications of the things you said, as an adult you make your own decisions, money and spend your time however you want
â„–70547
>>69793 (OP)word words words stop being a pseud and start exercising, the world needs ya champ
â„–70742
>>69793 (OP)this is how i typed when i was 13
my life got much better when i stopped being such a fancypants and embraced the good cheer that comes with being vulgar
â„–70769
>>69793 (OP)Nusois are using chat GPT for their bait blogposts now