i'm not even going to bother repeating myself too much anymore, just look at
>>75770 or
>>75024 to see what this is going to be about.
to address
>>75717 yes i know i should talk to someone IRL, but there's literally nobody in real life for me to talk to and i'm basically fucked since my parents are shit and i'm in a shit position.
my life was already garbage before this, but this tops it off.
<if you think i gooned to something totally illegal or real check
>>75838 (the answer is that i didn't), but this was still bad enough even if it was contained to hentai/rule 34 crap.
i dread waking up at this point and i never feel right throughout the entire day, i can't really see myself or anything the same way i used to before i got addicted to porn and i think i'm suffering from some sort of brain damage from a chronic and traumatic 4.5 year use of it. i also relapsed once last month by accident as i decided to take "one peak" and i got off on it without even physically doing it, worst yet is that the tranime character i saw was apparently meant to be teenaged (i didn't even know) so it somewhat reignited my fear of all of what i've been talking about, not to mention i really wanted to stop looking at any of it for good after my birthday, which is what i'm still doing but it feels like i broke some sort of a promise with myself by fucking up even once with that.
< and yes i can't help but to laugh at some of this while typing it, but my life is so unbelievably shitty, i don't even know what to do anymore. yes i'm off porn for good now and i never had a complete relapse for months, but my self-image and self-esteem are both so gone that it feels like it was too late for me to get off of it anyways. sometimes i'll feel better, but i'll start feeling like shit quite after. it makes me feel awful knowing that i was that badly conditioned to hentai that i went along with jerking off to some of the worst shit from it, and i hate the possibility that i could've been slightly conditioned to some of THAT without deeply thinking of it.
i don't even have much to do, so the most i can do is to worthlessly sit around and think of this. yes i know i already received some advice but i still keep feeling disgusted with myself, i don't even know what i'm doing.
< i'm probably going to regret making this thread since it seems like a lot of people are already sick of me posting on here, i've been told that my porn addiction really wasn't me, but i still seem to hate myself.
there are even some things i might not ever see normally again without thinking of my porn addiction, even thinking of the normal porn that i jerked off to reminds me of my worst fuckups with some disturbing shit that i saw on hentai sites.
one achievement that i can give myself is that i left some of it when it was really unignorably bad but i still failed way too much, what also makes me feel awful is that although it was "just hentai" it's known that some of this is a gateway for real pedoniggers. it's something i'll never go back to, but it seriously makes me feel horrendous almost every waking moment even if i'm aware i don't have any sick fantasies.
<DISCLAIMER: this is NOT a suicide announcement even if it sounds pretty terrible. >everything said here is true and if i lied it would make me feel worse, i also didn't even feel like finding a proper thumbnail so have a blank image<i'm also aware that it looks like i'm just being some faggy attention whore, but i'm honestly exhausted and sickened