/soy/ - Soyjaks

Hey Reddit I, 34 M, married have been going into stores, and "fertilizing" pickle rick plushies I used to do this once every other day but for the purpose of saving my seed I decided to do it generally once every two weeks when able. My wife doesn't understand why I need to do this. I used to be in a cult (the Catholic Church) and after leaving, this became my coping mechanism.

My wife doesn’t seem to understand and when I told her she broke down and seemed upset that I didn’t show any emotion. Basically the process I go through entails, scouting out a store with pickle Rick plushies for a couple of days. This sometimes requires taking the day off work, leading to me almost being fired, much to the anger of my wife, who tries to guilt trip me with her pregnancy.

Next I spend upwards of four hours masturbating into a syringe. I call it collecting my Vital force and cheap old 20 minute sessions won’t cut it. I need utmost relaxation and if my wife interrupts me or tries to have sex with me, which much to my annoyance, she asks for often, since we haven’t had sex in upwards of 5 months (hello baby).

Next I will wait until a store is almost empty and inject my Vital force into the hottest Pickle Rick plushie. My wife told me this was a health hazard and an audience of likely young teenagers was buying these plushies and I should stop. However, I don’t see an issue, my Vital force is sterile and the plushies I have at home are only slightly damp and a tad bit sticky, with a minimal smell.

My wife has tried multiple times to hold an intervention. I got angry and screamed at her, called her an insensitive slur, and put my hand on her. She told her family that I struck her. However, I merely grabbed her arm and gave her mild rug burn and then cried later, apologizing to her and begging for her forgiveness. When she refused I told her she was nothing to me and that I only loved Pickle Rick. This isn’t true, I love them both, but I wanted to hurt her.

She has since been living with her parents and routinely calls me. These calls usually entail her asking me to visit and talk. However, I’m not sure if I forgive her yet, and if she really wanted to be with me she would support my mental health. Although I feel bad for getting angry with her, I don’t understand why she’s trying to tear apart our marriage, especially when I’m looking so forward to being a loving father. I don’t know if this woman will be the right mother for our child.

Am I the Asshole??