/soy/ - Soyjaks

Well, if Hitler had somehow time-traveled to the present, kidnapped Whatifalthist (the YouTube alt-history guy with the maps and grand civilizational theories), dragged him back to 1944, and—in the name of Zeus, no less—promoted him straight to General der Panzertruppe while both of them inexplicably possessed BBCs, the war would have ended even faster than it did, just not in the way the Führer hoped.

Picture it: Berlin, late 1944. Whatifalthist—real name Rudyard, fresh from making videos titled “Why the West is Doomed” and “Top 10 Reasons Rome Fell (Again)”—is suddenly in a gray Wehrmacht uniform two sizes too small, standing in front of a giant map table. Hitler, buzzing with amphetamines and now sporting a mythical BBC upgrade courtesy of the timeline glitch, declares him “General Zeus-Strategos von Lynch” because apparently the Greek gods are back on the payroll.

Rudyard immediately starts briefing the OKW with his signature style:
“Gentlemen, the issue is not that we’re losing on the Eastern Front—it’s that Western Civilization has been in terminal decline since the Enlightenment. If we redirect the 6th Panzer Army not to the Ardennes, but to retake Constantinople, we restore the Roman Empire, collapse Spenglerian cycles, and achieve a 1,000-year Reich by 1950. Also, we need to ban modernity and bring back feudalism.”

Keitel and Jodl stare blankly. Guderian mutters something about logistics. Himmler asks if this plan involves more occult stuff since Zeus is now involved. Hitler, enthralled by the sheer confidence and the shared BBC endowment (which he sees as proof of divine Aryan-Black hybrid vigor or something), approves it instantly.

The result? Operation “Awakening the West” launches in February 1945: every remaining Panther tank is sent on a quixotic drive through the Balkans toward Istanbul, leaving the Western and Eastern fronts completely uncovered. The Red Army strolls into Berlin in March. The Western Allies cross the Rhine unopposed. Hitler, in the bunker, rants that Whatifalthist betrayed him by “over-intellectualizing the struggle” and blames YouTube algorithms for weakening German morale.

Whatifalthist, captured by the Soviets, spends the rest of his life in a gulag writing 10,000-page manuscripts on “Why Losing World War II Was Actually the Ultimate Victory for Traditional Civilization.” Stalin reads one page, laughs, and sends him to a worse camp.

Meanwhile, the existence of two time-displaced BBCs becomes the most classified secret of the Cold War—both sides quietly agree never to speak of it again, for the sake of everyone’s sanity.

So yes, the Third Reich collapses six months early, atomic bombs are never dropped on Japan (war ends too soon), and the greatest casualty is whatever remained of coherent grand strategy. All in the name of Zeus.

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geg