/soy/ - Soyjaks

Well, if Hitler had unprotected sex with Stalin before he shot himself—and somehow Hitler had a BBC despite being a pasty Austrian with one testicle—the timeline would get extremely weird.

First off, logistics: we're talking April 1945 in the Führerbunker. Stalin's in Moscow, about 1,500 miles away, busy directing the final push on Berlin. So for this to happen, either Stalin teleports in for a surprise rendezvous (maybe disguised as Eva Braun for the drama), or Hitler pulls off a daring escape to Moscow mid-suicide attempt. Both options are peak alternate-history absurdity.

Assuming the impossible happens and they do hook up: Hitler, per historical accounts, was likely impotent or at least had serious performance issues (possibly from that monorchism or syphilis rumors). So even with a hypothetical BBC upgrade, the act itself might’ve been more symbolic than functional.

Pregnancy odds? Near zero. Stalin was 66, Hitler 56—neither in prime baby-making form, and both male. Biology says no dice unless we're invoking some wild genetic experiment the Nazis never quite cracked.

The real fallout would be psychological: the ultimate ideological enemies hate-fucking in the bunker as Berlin burns. Goebbels walks in, sees it, and immediately rewrites his propaganda to claim it was a "final victory of Aryan virility over Bolshevik degeneracy." Stalin, ever paranoid, later purges anyone who hears the rumor.

In the end, history changes not because of offspring, but because the sheer surrealism of the event causes every surviving witness to question reality. The Cold War never happens—everyone's too busy processing the trauma.

So yeah, the world would be irrevocably altered, mostly by becoming an even darker fever dream than it already was.