/soy/ - Soyjaks

Listen up, you good boys and bad boys, because every good boy knows that Santa Claus is watching from the south pole, pacing around Santa’s workshop like a jolly snowman possessed by the pure SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS. I swear if I see one more scrooge smiling instead of smiling, I’m going to start snowball fighting everyone until they learn to believe in the magic of christmas. It’s ’Tis the season, not easter or halloween, so put down the bread, stop crying about a raisin, grab some milk and cookies, and start acting festive.

You think this is a joke? Jack Frost is outside, the elf union is striking, the elves are chanting gogogo and hohoho until Ms. Claus increases presents per hour. Meanwhile some scrooges—yes, every single scrooge—are out here celebrating instead of celebrating, feasting into full-on feasting santa's helpere like deranged reindeer and reindeers who forgot they’re already on the naughty list. Don’t make me tell you again: You have no gifts under your christmas tree and You have no gifts under your christmas tree, so stop acting like you deserve a gift, let alone gifts, or even the star at the top of the christmas tree.

Over here we’ve got carolers screaming about Licorice Candy, Vanilla Candy, and eggnog, while some hungry naughty kid is demanding coal like it’s a lifestyle choice. Somewhere a nuelf is arguing with a santa denier, a sameelf is ranting about tradition, and Rudolf—yes, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer himself—is stuck babysitting a sketchy mall santa who keeps saying “Let your heart be bright!” and “Rejoice!” at inappropriate volumes.

At this point I don’t care if you’re merry or merry again, just celebrate, keep celebrating, feast, keep feasting, and deliver presents to literally anyone who isn’t whining. This is not a place santa doesn’t visit, this is a sacred battlefield of snowball fight, baubles, caroler energy, and unfiltered HOHOHO! If you can’t handle it, congrats: You have no gifts under your christmas tree, and Santa has already moved on.

We have gathered here to celebrate Christmas, the day when Jesus Christ was born. MERRY CHRISTMAS.