/soy/ - Soyjaks

I don't want to kill myself - I can't bear that weight too. But I pray for God to take me because existing in this body, with this identity, feels like living in a burning building with no exits. Every day requires a level of endurance I don't have anymore.
It's not dramatic suicidal planning. It's quieter, more constant. It's lying awake hoping I don't wake up. It's a whispered "please, just let me go" that becomes a refrain. I bargain with God because ending my own life feels like one more impossible thing I'd fail at, one more way I'd hurt people, one more sin added to whatever cosmic ledger says being trans already damns me.
The exhaustion is cellular. Fighting to exist as myself while parts of the world - maybe parts of myself - say I shouldn't exist at all. The prayer isn't really about faith. It's about wanting relief without having to orchestrate my own destruction.