/soy/ - Soyjaks

Fuck this place but I don't have anywhere or anyone else to confide in.
I'm 18 and just "hooked up" with an older man (46) on grindr and i feel so fucking disgusting. In classic fag fashion, I'd looked for people on grindr even before I turned 18, but I never really found anyone. I would usually delete it right after jerking off, never really doing stuff irl. Yesterday, one dude messaged me and sent an album which of course wasn't accurate to how he looked. When I showed up I was sort of disappointed, but I still decided to go through with it for some reason. He started chatting me up, telling me all the classic shit like 'All the guys on grindr are idiots; You're so sexy and different' which turned me off, but fuck, I had already got here… I wasn't really feeling it, mostly because the guy was the typical asshole and his body wasn't really what I expected. Despite this, I still made a move and we got into bed and to sum it up I basically jerked him off, gave him head and we kissed. All of this is still lingering in my mind, especially the fact that he was my first kiss and the grimey disgusting feeling in my mouth after sucking his dick. He turned me around and fucked me, against my will of course, even though I'd told him I wasn't clean nor did he care that I was a virgin. The experience itself made me feel absolutely nothing at all. I'd thought that even if I didn't find the guy hot that it'd still be enjoyable, but it was just disgusting and cringe. As edgy as it sounds it didn't really hurt nor did it feel pleasurable, it just felt completely numb. The only thing on my mind during the whole ordeal was how I was going to clean myself, especially my mouth. After like 10 minutes of 'fucking' I got out with a fully flacid penis and went to the bathroom to try to jerk off and I just accidentally pissed all over myself. I left instantly, got drunk and showered twice, so far. I'll never get this back and it was all my fault.