/soy/ - Soyjaks

How Shekelstein Goldberg lead the anti-woke movement: a case study

In the near-future chronicles of socio-cultural shifts, the rise of the "anti-woke" movement is often attributed not to a firebrand politician or a bombastic media personality, but to a mild-mannered accountant from Cleveland, Ohio named Shekelstein Goldberg. His ascension was as unexpected as it was, in retrospect, inevitable.

His revolution began not with a manifesto, but a trip to a new artisanal coffee shop called "Conscious Bean." The menu was a dizzying manifesto of socio-economic virtue, with drinks like the "Decolonized Drip," the "Intersectional Espresso," and the "Fair-Trade Guatemalan Pour-Over with a Pronoun-Affirming Foam Art."

Shekelstein, a man who balanced ledgers for a living, was baffled. Shekelstein, blinking behind his spectacles, approached the counter. "I would just like one regular coffee, please," he said politely.

The barista, a young person with a tattoo of a philosophical quote on their forearm, replied, "We don't have 'regular.' Do you mean our Single-Origin Solidarity Brew, which acknowledges the labor of its indigenous growers, or the Post-Patriarchal Peruvian Blend, which is roasted in a facility with a 70% non-male workforce?"

"Our 'black' is a construct," the barista explained patiently. "We have 'Umber Infusion,' 'Sable Elixir,' and 'Midnight Nectar.' Each has its own narrative of origin."

Defeated, Shekelstein simply sighed and left. Unbeknownst to him, a teenager's TikTok of the exchange, captioned "Man just wants coffee, gets lecture instead," went stratospherically viral.

Overnight, Shekelstein Goldberg became a folk hero for the existentially weary. His message, which he called "Radical Normalcy," was disarmingly simple. "I believe a chair should be a chair," he'd state calmly on podcasts. "A dog is a dog. And a coffee shop should, first and foremost, sell coffee without requiring a degree in cultural studies to order it."

He didn't lead with fiery speeches, but with the quiet, common-sense logic of an accountant. In a world of shouting, Shekelstein Goldberg’s gentle bewilderment was the most revolutionary act of all. He was the accidental leader who reminded everyone that sometimes, the most profound statement is just asking for a regular cup of coffee.

This philosophy, which he dubbed "Radical Normalcy," became the bedrock of his movement. His followers weren't angry mobs; they were gardeners, librarians, plumbers, and programmers who were simply tired of everything being so complicated.

Shekelstein Goldberg never raised his voice. He led his movement not with fiery speeches, but with calm, logical PowerPoint presentations filled with pie charts and bullet points. He was the antithesis of a charismatic leader, which, paradoxically, was the source of his immense charisma. In a world of shouting, his quiet, common-sense approach was a revolution. He was the accidental leader who reminded everyone that sometimes, the most profound statement one can make is to simply ask for a regular cup of coffee.