^p.s, this is the same guy from >>86974 (OP)I spend a lot of time thinking that I am a terrible person, boring to be around and generally just poor functioning (and i know i shouldn't try to be a crybaby around others) in my day to day life, and think I don't deserve friendship or good things happen to me
<lebbitI am probably depressed, and I know exactly as to why that is but the causes of it have been building up over the years, and a little dull to read, to be honest. If we go by Maslow's hierarchy my physical and safety needs have always been fulfilled and I guess my parents raised me to be well-mannered and educated enough, but my social and emotional needs have been in toilet, dissolving into melted shit particles.
Friendships to me are tricky, the last time I was in one I constantly monitored how they acted towards me and how reciprocal they were during our conversations about whatever. If I feel like they are losing interest in me, I either gave up the friendship or just blocked them on everything for no reason, despite not saying anything or bringing up the fact that i feel left out sometimes or disrespected etc.
I have done this shit countless times over the years, beginning since the age of 10 whenever my online best friend wished me a happy birthday (but it felt weird to me) and I just felt this sudden urge to remove myself from his life.
I probably have some form of an attachment disorder, like similar to niggas with BPD where I HAVE to know if a friend likes me and that I secretly crave their validation all the time otherwise I feel worthless
How can I tell my brain and nervous system to shut the fuck up about friendships, and that I don't need to be their main focus in life? and also How do I stop feeling like I have to perform and that I NEED to have a use / be useful for someone in order to be their friend
just makes friendships and interacting with people exhausting