Today is my birthday, and I turn 19. It is a tragic day that only seems to worsen every year.
I am a failure, deeply unhappy, and [user was banned]
Even fucking though
- I have loving and supporting family
- I have many good friends who care about me
- I have a cute and caring girlfriend
- I do not worry about food, water, or finances
- I live in a nice house in a first world country
I have all the essentials that a normal person would require to feel happy, but nonetheless I cannot move beyond the thought patterns and doomerisms of a depressed shut-in.
Over the past year I made what most would call meaningful progress.
I exited a three year NEETing phase, got a GED, and signed up for the local community college. I gave mental health treatment processes another try. I am again trying coping mechanisms (lol!), how to re-frame negative thoughts, behavioral activation, getting over social anxiety, etc. I started getting outside and exercising more. I learned how to drive and passed the license test. I stopped being an incel and got my first ever girlfriend, and I went on dates with her, and lost my virginity to her. I've been reconnecting and talking more to old friends.
I failed some of my classes, I get in fights sometimes with my girlfriend, and I'm not as fit as I would like to be.
But anyone would think it is progress at least. I understand rationally I am moving forward in life. At surface level it seems I am measurably making progress, getting better at life, and every other synonym for positivity you can think of. I think these are good things - but in reality, I don't feel good about them, and feel no better on the inside. I still lack greater purpose or meaning to live my life and get out of bed for. I have found no sustainable convictions to not just become (an hero). I do not feel happiness or fulfillment in my day-to-day activities.
I wonder if I even have the capability to change. I might have rolled bad genetics with an impossible win condition, and my brain is simply wired incorrectly - that I am not made to live a fulfilling life or experience meaningful happiness.
I have tried different treatment plans, different medications, different mindsets, different environments. I have tried tens of different extracurricular activities - sports, clubs, instruments, hobbies, jobs.
Nothing ever manages to stick. Nothing is enjoyable enough that I don't drop it half a year later. I probably lack a soul or heart. The machine has been built broken, with critical parts lacking.
I will keep trying. If I am still like this by my late 20's I will likely mysteriously-dissapear-forever-for-unknown-reasons. I have not lost all hope, but over the last year of my life I have lost some more - and it is highly probable I will continue to lose hope over the next year as well.
Happy birthday 19th birthday to me
Thank you for reading.