/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

<preddit cont.
I haven't had an online friend since Spring of last year, and I think the circumstances of our falling out make the root of my inadequacies quite apparent. I treated them almost like a journal, detailing most things that happened in my life, the reasons I was angry and upset, the music I listened to, the games I played, all of that. I never really "vented" to them (i.e being a major faggot about your emotions), but I did tell them some personal things, like how I couldn't stand most of my classmates and my budding interest in mass shootings at the time, which is something we had in common. I would never unmute my microphone when they called me, nor would I share any photos of myself or even private social media profiles because I was afraid they would somehow get information on me to doxx me with if we ever had a falling out, even after they showed that they had no problem giving that level of intimate info to me. This fear that they would one day doxx me or try and ruin my life all culminated in me eventually phasing them out, ignoring their texts and the like, until we never spoke again.
<preddit
What I learned is that if you want to be a pussy about your emotions with people, its best to do it with people who are disposable, like random niggers on the internet (>>>/r9k), for your own sake. But if you aren't emotionally vulnerable with people, you won't truly "bond" with them, at least not as far as I know. If you choose to let your guard down, you can befriend people meaningfully, but you can also get hurt. The feeling and likelihood of experiencing emotional pain, betrayal and targeted personal attacks is far worse than the pleasure gained from the knowledge of having true and honest friends, so its better to live your life as a background character #83371 who has a few speaking roles than to try and be one of the super awesome best friends who steal the show and have all the super awesome epic character arcs. Maybe its that I want admirers rather than friends, people who feed me mostly positive interactions and demand nothing in return. I would rather that than have to listen to someone else bitch about their emotions after I get done bitching about mine, if I had to bitch about my emotions to a real human in the first place.
<preddit
I am oversimplifying it a bit though, because I have seen people who aren't emotionally vulnerable accrue great hordes of loyal friends, admirers, enemies and fans both online and in real life. It seems that some people are just more likeable, more followable, more noticeable and more protagonistic than others. I am not one of them.

Not going to start a new thread for this but I don't feel like writing in my journal, so I'll just necrobump and add it here. Over the past few days I've been getting these frequent pits in my stomach brought about by fears that something bad is on the horizon. A lot of the time its justified, like classes beginning again tomorrow, but other times its over stupid shit like an anonymous argument I got into and abandoned after getting bored or frustrated. When I experience this feeling, all I can do is try and distract myself, check for or consult the signs and tell myself that it'll be gone when I wake up tomorrow, which is usually right, although it might begin again over something trivial. I think it's because my body and mind is so used to having something to be fearful about, like exams, essays, obligations towards my local church and the like that when there isn't anything immediate, it blows smaller things out of proportion instead.
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I remember replying to a thread on /soy/ (yes I know the board is shit but so is the entire internet at this point) made about hypochondria, which is something I don't suffer from whatsoever, but wanted to give my thoughts on anyway. I don't fear any physical illnesses except for the absolutely debilitating ones that leave you paralyzed or wheelchair-bound instead of just killing you outright. I would rather my patronizing shitskin caretaker throw me down a tall flight of stairs and let me choke on my own blood than ever live life like that, but I don't obsess over or fear it happening to me. I don't have these fears because I just remind myself that this life means nothing compared to the one that comes after it, which I find soothing. It makes me feel less bad about having no aspirations or hobbies, but its not like I really care that much about them anyway, at least in theory. It's sort of ironic and contradictory that I "live by this philosophy" in my mind, considering how stress susceptible and prone to fear that I am. I think a lot of my ethics and judgement is susceptible to change depending on my emotional state, but then again, isn't that how it is for everyone?
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I don't really fear death, at least I don't think I do. I only fear dying and going to Hell. I have no mission, purpose or drive on this Earth anyways, and so if God sent me an omen telling me that he would take my life this day next week, I would be quite glad, given that I have complete confirmation and knowledge of the event in advance, so I could go to confession and tie up all of my loose ends. I wouldn't ever go out of my way to actually try and make myself die though, but only because it would upset my family and I'm unsure if its a damnable offence. I wouldn't write about this if I were actually considering suicide, which I most definitely am not.

are you wpr? anyway i dont have any sage advice for you but i do find your situation relatable, i hope somebaldi has something more to say about this than me

The best adjective I can use to describe the feeling I have when I return home from school is lethargic. I feel as if all of my energy has been sapped, utterly drained from my body, and I can barely bring myself to do anything except listen to YouTube videos while killing NPCs in gmod and posting on the shitty and 4kike. I always leave it quite late to start studying because both the thought and action of doing work that I do not enjoy, that I do not need, for the sole sake of academic conformity makes me vexed beyond measure, and I always end up half-assing it anyway. At least I can take solace in knowing that I don't have long left to go.
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I initially couldn't even bring myself to write this follow up "entry". I felt too horrible, I could only lay in my bed, moping, contemplating the dismal state that I am in, staring at the ceiling and listening to the same two songs on repeat. I can't even bring myself to work on shitty low effort OC, and I find myself almost too tired to be truly afraid or stressed out beyond a subdued, lingering feeling of foreboding and inadequacy that has become almost customary to my human experience now, accompanied by the conscious mental inclinations to perform small tasks like counting, praying and venerating, which make me feel better, at least temporarily.
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I know it's incredibly reddit-y to view life as a videogame, but the thought that always comes into my mind when I'm not in a good mood is that it is. If I am playing a game, and I do not enjoy the game because the game is unfair, poorly designed, lacks rewarding objectives, lacks enjoyable quests and activities and is full of terrible, cruel and annoying players and there are far more neutral and negative experiences than positive ones, I have no reason to continue playing. There are some mildly enjoyable moments, sure, maybe getting a bunch of reppies in a thought-out thread or making some well received OC, but ultimately, they're all just small nuggets of copper in a mountain of dirt. I would rather not have any of the semi-decent minerals if it means I didn't have to spend my life digging through shit to get at them.

<reddit cont.
I'm going to preface this by saying I do not condone nor promote what motivated me to make this reply, nor do I think suicide or self harm is a good thing and I would never encourage anybody to partake in it. I have read over this post and can say that none of the content here violates rule 7, or any of the other rules on this website for that matter. I don't feel miserable anymore, I just feel neutral, like the markiplier subvariant known for being associated with blogs and shitty bait posts, which is why I am even able to tack onto this already bloated thread in the first place. I only exist in this elevated mood because I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and jerked off. I wasn't even horny, I was just bored and "decided" to go jerk off to porn. I rationalized it by saying that I'm already in a state of sin and probably going to Hell anyways, so it didn't matter. So I went to the bathroom and did it, finished in a few minutes, produced my swiss army knife from my pocket and made 2 incisions into the body of my penis. It's a habit I picked up just before Easter, but it makes me feel like I have atoned for what I have done and brings a sense of calm in a way, that I have managed to deny my flesh after just succumbing to it.
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I think I may have fucked up a bit, because while counting to the righteous numbers while performing the cutting motion, I held each number for a bit too long and I did not stretch the skin of my penis out far enough, so I must have cut into the flesh of the organ rather than just the skin. I am inclined to believe this because more thick, dark, blood came out of the "wound" than usual. I've applied a plaster and I believe that I'm not going to get an infection though, so it's alright. I am very glad that I felt the need to double-check the bathroom just after I had left, because I had unwittingly left my knife in there and my mother was just about to go in. I chalk this up to divine intervention, since all hell would have broken lose should she have found it. Let's hope I feel better tomorrow, but there are no guarantees in this life.
>>85321
I think I know who you're talking about, but no, I am not him, although I can sort of see the resemblance in that we both post frogs and type with capitalization and punctuation. That's about it, really.

>>85455
I don't expect things to get much better after I graduate either, given the objectively repulsive state of the modern world, but I won't get into that for now. I should focus on the matters at hand rather than things that are a couple of months in the future, and I think I've spent enough time leaking and talking to myself for today.

>>85147 (OP)
>>85148
I sort of relate to what you are saying about people in high school, there just to non-conscious to really have deep conversations with or relate to on a deeper level. As a consequence Most of my friends are online because luck may have it ive found chuddy friends who i consider very good people and company. Its not that im introverted or something its just that convos with normies can feel so empty at times, i had my old friend group abandoned me last year around june due to an accumulation of things, but one primary thing was that i changed and theyve stayed stagnant only caring about brawl stars while never really ever having a conversation thats deep.

But what i will say from the looks of it, the way you describe things i think you may just be a sociopath.
Or whatever the one is where you dont have any empathy, or you are just to fearful of others.

I dont know if i have to much sound advice for you, it seems like you have less of a tolerance for sucking up to normies like i do, to certain extent i am “myself” around the normies in my skool but not enough so that a genuine connection can be made. I think luke smith’s life advice videos may serve you well, him or a more main stream one “clark kegley” whom i also consider to be good. And im not just saying that ive seen his advice its sound and he is probably knows his shit the best

>>85455
oh my fucking god dude i was reading your posts and genuinely writing a serious reply until
>produced my swiss army knife from my pocket and made 2 incisions into the body of my penis
nigga you are the schizo from that other thread
You need to go to a therapist seriously.
It's not god giving you messages it's a mental illness, God wouldn't tell you to fucking cut yourself. I'm going to pray for you today so that you come to your senses.

This whole forums and 'cord server thing is a meme. Don’t end up wasting your time on this.

>>85147 (OP)
>>85148
>>85320
>>85453
>>85455
snca I enjoyed reading
>Over the past few days I've been getting these frequent pits in my stomach brought about by fears that something bad is on the horizon. A lot of the time its justified, like classes beginning again tomorrow, but other times its over stupid shit like an anonymous argument I got into and abandoned after getting bored or frustrated. When I experience this feeling, all I can do is try and distract myself, check for or consult the signs and tell myself that it'll be gone when I wake up tomorrow, which is usually right, although it might begin again over something trivial.
idk, whenever I get ts there's something majorly wrong with me or with the people around me
when I do ignore it I find out and realize I was too late
>So I went to the bathroom and did it, finished in a few minutes, produced my swiss army knife from my pocket and made 2 incisions into the body of my penis. It's a habit I picked up just before Easter, but it makes me feel like I have atoned for what I have done and brings a sense of calm in a way, that I have managed to deny my flesh after just succumbing to it.
dont do ts, you'll end up like Baudelaire ou algo and start gooning to sin or drilling holes in your dick
>I think I may have fucked up a bit, because while counting to the righteous numbers while performing the cutting motion, I held each number for a bit too long and I did not stretch the skin of my penis out far enough, so I must have cut into the flesh of the organ rather than just the skin.
50% of mi thinks you post this just to self-flagellate more

>>85507
I don't need a therapist, but I thank you for your consideration. I'd still like to hear what your initial response would've been should you not have read that reply. I've come to regret adding it now because it shifted away from the initial topic quite considerably and I realize now that I exaggerated the amount of bleeding which was a misleading and perhaps quite disconcerting thing to do. Every time I have engaged in this behavior, it has healed fine because I did not go very deep, and this is no exception. I think it boils down to much more than receiving signs encouraging my behaviors, but I can't go into it in detail now. In short, sometimes these inclinations and omens come on much stronger than during other periods and I did not do what I did last night because an omen directed me towards doing so. It was voluntary atonement.
>>85469
>its just that convos with normies can feel so empty at times
I feel the exact same way. I often find myself zoning out when they're talking unless I hear a comment directed at me because its always just the same few jokes, the same few quips and surface level takes on contemporary politics or television, the same few "remember whens" ad nauseam. It gets to a point where talking becomes just a banal formality to keep your mouth occupied.
> it seems like you have less of a tolerance for sucking up to normies like i do
I can be very good at it when I want to, its just that I find myself caring less as of recent. I think when active pressures to conform and please are less frequent or less potent, you can more comfortably act like yourself.
> I think luke smith’s life advice videos may serve you well
I've heard of him before, I'll probably check him out some time soon.
>>85515
>50% of mi thinks you post this just to self-flagellate more
It's actually quite interesting that you bring that up, considering I didn't even think of it at the time. I'm only speaking about it here because I have nobody else to talk to about it, not that I would want to tell anybody I know in real life. If I wanted sympathy or people telling me to see Dr. Soyberg for happiness and hugs and epic fun times, I wouldn't be posting here.
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Tangentially related to this, I wouldn't consider myself a masochist in any capacity, but I remember hearing that one of the psychological factors that instills the mindset is the resignation to a sense of feebleness, to accept that you're weak and incorporating it into your mind's machinations rather than denying or trying to overcome it, coming to peace with it.

>>85526
>If I wanted sympathy or people telling me to see Dr. Soyberg for happiness and hugs and epic fun times
not what I meant
I just thought that if you poosted dis to receive mockery it might share the same cause as whateverthefuck led you to maim your pee shooter or something
you doin ts to feel more bad and get emotional relief or something?
like i said im 50/50 because I transheart fenceriding
<misaki67.png is only 1 post away

Today was less bad than yesterday, I believe. All of today can mostly be summed up as moving between boredom, irritability and, to a lesser extent, worry. I don't even know if I can assert that as entirely true, thoughbeit. I can't tell if I experience emotions because I tell myself that I am experiencing them and then actually experience them because I am telling myself that I am. In fact, I don't feel like a reliable narrator in this thread at all because I have this little inkling in the back of my mind that I am lying, that I don't actually feel like this and that I am playing it up for the sake of wanting to victimize myself.
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I notice that my father is even more prone to stress than I am. He presents himself with this overly chipper, friendly and almost cartoonish demeanor to me and my younger sister, although it's apparent to both of us that it's a charade, which is not to say that my father isn't a good man: he definitely is, far better than most fathers, in fact. I just find it quite bizarre and a bit off-putting at times, considering I am now legally an adult and my sister is in her mid teenage years. All it takes is something small to set him off and he immediately gets panicked or overwhelmed, which usually results in him talking to himself loudly in a high pitched voice, becoming passive aggressive, or, if he allows himself to release his stress, shouting, usually at the dog or the television. I found myself mirroring this behavior today when I got home. I was going to take the dog out on a walk when my sister came home and opened the door as I was about to put the leash on the dog, causing me to shout "CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR" followed instantly by defusing into a high pitched, meek "haha yeah sorry I was just afraid he was going to run out onto the road", which was an unlikely scenario. Every time my dog stopped to sniff the spot another dog pissed in, I just became even more agitated and would pull him away, occasionally muttering or just outright saying "fuck off" because all I wanted to do was go home. I was quite annoyed by other dog owners not having the common courtesy to keep their dog on a leash while its in an open area of the park, and so if their dog followed mine, I would not stop and would just continue walking until their dog went back to the owner. I almost always do this, even if it means the other dog owner has to repeatedly shout for their dog to come back or even has to run and get them. They should be more responsible.
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And then, when I finally get home, what waits for me? I have a few hours of "recreation", which aren't so much good as they are simply just not explicitly and entirely bad. If you ever bring this up around normies, which I haven't and wouldn't advise, you'll probably get the age old platitude of "well it could be worse, you could be living in Africa, you could be poor, you could have cancer". At least if I had terminal cancer I would have a fast track out of this gay nigger earth and I would get to use super awesome makeawish powers to get Quote to shut down this website already (that's a joke, jannies and nusois). I don't know if most people, normies or otherwise, are truly happy with their lives or if they just act like they are on the outside. It's easy to say that since they're mostly all hedonists, they will live their lives jumping from one dopamine source to another, be it girlfriends, drugs, parties, the like, that they don't care and will continue obliterating their prefrontal cortexes to avoid having to contemplate their situation until they die or run out of things to do, which will then cause them to become depressed. Even still, I still think at least half of the western population probably does feel dejected and unfulfilled most or all of the time due to the callous, bloated, unjust and immoral state of our modern world, no matter how many dopamine surges their brain receives on an hourly basis.
>>85529
>you doin ts to feel more bad and get emotional relief or something?
I don't really think so, having people call me a faggot or a retard doesn't provide any sense of catharsis or counterintuitive masochistic pleasure whatsoever. I'd probably link the root cause back to the OP, feeling like a background character and not being able to truly connect with people meaningfully. I'd rather leak about my emotions on this board than anywhere else since my journal has gotten pretty sterile and talking to AI is just like talking to reddit.com if it was a turbo people pleaser with fast responses.

72seventytwo test

You're right that its better to "vent" online than to another person. Its fine to open up to people irl close to you from time to time if there is something major bothering you, but for the random thoughts or general depressive feels definitely don't. Nobody wants to listen to somebody talking about how sad they are all the time, even your parents, especially don't do this to the people who care about you, it does nothing but make them concerned. Telling an average normie about any bad feeling will have them either say "(((go talk to a therapist)))" or will have them change the way they act around you because they think a breeze will make you shatter.

Don't mutilate yourself for 'ooning. What are you, some sort of combination of religious self-flagellating zealot and a troon with the unsatiable urge for self harm? If you are a Christian which I guess you are, go talk to a fucking priest man, this is not good at all. One day you're going to bleed out from cutting your dick in two after a 'oonsesh and thats how your family will find you.

Get your life in order. I've also felt depressed quite often. I also felt the pits in my stomach from life feeling empty. It isn't crazy to feel this, the day-to-day can sometimes make me feel like all my soul is being dragged out and pressed into a perfectly flat sheet of monotony. Do something different to change it up, start a new activity, learn something new, don't just sit there, jerk off and then cut yourself. Make your life mean something.

>>85531
Nobody is really a "main" character. The person in your school who is in the football team, chats to people all the time, seems to be having the time of their life, might end up becoming a fat old slob in 10 years who watches their sportsball on tv all day and doesn't do shit. Everyone wants to feel special, adored, supported by all those around them. It doesn't exist. And you definitely don't get anything for sitting around being a loner. Spend some time with large groups of people and observe for a bit. Pay attention to how people treat the "popular" people. Some will admire them, yes, but others will pretend to be nice while being a jealous little jew behind their back. Also notice the effort those popular people put in. They probably sacrifice a lot of their time to always be available for any social event, every party, every SNCA thing that people do to make sure that they never miss out and are always there. Life isn't a TV show, you don't get loved and adored for being a useless nigga who doesn't go out of their way for anybody and just sits there

>>85531
>I'd probably link the root cause back to the OP, feeling like a background character and not being able to truly connect with people meaningfully.
Yeah but no, almost every1 who feels like a bg character doesn't do ts (mi) so there's probably some other reason

ive known you for a while and im at least glad you still post even if we dont talk much