/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

Tonight I am overcome with such an intense feeling of loneliness and longing that I can't sleep.

I remember going to the mental hospital a few years ago for what my parents interpreted as suicidal behavior. There was a girl there who seemed to grow attached to me in such a way that no girl had before or has since. Though they did not allow contact, she would always lean as close as possible to me. She'd ask me to save seats next to me for her. She would show me things she wrote and drew. She would look up at me with big brown eyes and smile just when I looked back. All of this does probably sounds like the absolute bare minimum for human contact if you happen to be more socially capable, but for me it's the most affection I have ever experienced. Now it's gone because, naturally given the nature of a mental hospital, I was not able to ever see her again.

I have countless, countless stories like this from my youth. Girls just pining for my attention and affection in my youth and me not being able to give it to them. It was mostly due to cowardice. Now I've grown up and those days are over. I know better now, and I really do have the means to love a lady and give her my affection, but it's no good. These days I feel incapable of any human connection. I'm nice and friendly and people exchange pleasantries with me and as far as I can tell people like me, but I just feel nothing. Sometimes girls will even do similar things, they'll giggle and smile but it's just nothing. Most girls I get to know now are whores anyway.

I have never had a girl hug me in any romantic capacity. I've never held hands with a girl. I've never kissed a girl. I've never cuddled or had sex. I've come so close so many times but not any time recently. I'm content with waiting for someone who is right for me, but I simply cannot escape the feeling that the time has passed and I will never be loved again. Now I am just a failure, a high school drop out who can't connect with human beings and has a suicide attempt under his belt. Maybe I've fucked up irreversibly.

All of this writing and sentimentality is somewhat out of character for me, but I just needed to get it out.