/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

>inb4 this might be a threat of violence or self harm
No, I just have something to get off my chest.
<
maybe I have C-PTSD, maybe I don't. I don't care enough to drop stacks on a psychiatrist.
Back in 6th grade, you already know I had been getting bullied. I thought about suicide all the time, I thought about killing all the time. I was only in middle school for one semester before convincing my parents to put me in online school. Schoolniggers should consider themselves lucky I wasn't violent enough to retaliate.
<break to remind you that I don't think murder or suicide is justified in any way
I forgive people. But I can't forgive unto the undoing of my own mental processes. Some people trigger an immense emotional response. I have contempt for them, even if I don't have a rational reason to. I was at a gas station a year ago, there was a group of two black guys and a white guy, they were 5'10, 6', and 6'2 respectively. I saw them and felt threatened by them. In my head I was preparing myself to kill even though I was unarmed. Some people at uni are triggering me, they seem to be conspiring. I find it hard to trust anyone who associates with someone who triggers me. Neurotypicals will never understand me, I don't bother trying to speak more than superficialities to them anymore. I can't express myself properly, I cannot verbalize why I see these people like this, I can only try and fail to oversimplify.
I can't remember anything traumatic. Maybe I can remember a few examples of random dogpiling on xbox live. But there was no "incident." I'm not traumatized. I just learned well that my life is in danger from specific people. I learned well that nobody will side with me. If someone hurts me, at least there will be a few sympathizers who will do nothing at all. I feel that people only became more agreeable in adulthood because if they acted the way they did in school, they would go to jail. If the legal system was as bad as school system justice, violent bullies would be everywhere. I would not be able to live peacefully.
I feel intense shame for myself. I hate my younger self. I hate how I acted, how I talked, my sense of humor, and my visage. I have expressed before that I consider the first letter of my name to be "inexplicably cringe and unserious". This rubs off on my younger brother; I have a very quick temper with him. I have a quick temper with anyone who reminds me of who I was in middle school and elementary school. It's not the same as the contempt for strangers thing though.
I think about 6th grade often. People tell me to get over it. I would love to.
Forgiving these people, and myself, is the cross I must bear for my sanctification.
Thanks for reading my autistic rumination.
<What I have to say to other people:
School shootings are caused by bullying, and everyone's apathy towards the bullying. No authority or bystander ever steps in. Everyone is entertained by a nigger beating up a sperg. Americans need to learn that there are consequences to their actions. No amount of gun control or mental health screening will save you from the fact that you are losing the spiritual war.
If you are in public school and being bullied right now, you should leave the school and never come back to it. Never tolerate bullying, tolerating bullies is death, it is not an option. If your parents force you to go to public school, leave them, do whatever you can to get away from bullies. Try to enroll in an online school o algo. There are probably legal routes to getting out of your situation immediately without having to prove that you were bullied.
For the foids and failed normgroids who ragebait me online by saying "we need to bring back bullying to stop the fuggin queers o algo brap", go fuck yourself, you ride meat for the Devil.