/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

My first four months of adulthood have so far been characterized by abject decadence, laze and misery. It's so disgusting, I grow squeamish to even mull it over. My presence in the world is undoubtedly a net negative, likely deeply in the red. If my existence is a net negative, and my non-existence would be a net-neutral, why shouldn't I just die? The truth is, I won't kill myself, because I would go to Hell. I believe such a state, that is to say wanting to die but refusing to do so because you fear the torment of Hades, is likely the most cowardly position a man could possible find himself in, maybe second only to actually being dead by suicide. I would guess, given my constant want for death and refusal to actually die, I will find myself in a state of psychosis in the coming years. I am afflicted with deep delusion and prelest, and am constantly bombarded with bizarre existentialism. Maybe a smarter man would find a way to intellectualize this, but it only leaves me miserable. I am not a person to worship rationality. I believe in God, I believe life has purpose, I believe reality and nature exist and have a purpose. Yet all I can do is lay in bed, or go to work, and that's about it, all the while I think about meaningless worldly drivel. My mind wanders to bitterness, wistfulness, lust, despair, rapidly and without reason. I can only describe it as a haze, straightforward thinking rarely plays a role. Whenever my mind goes to how I can fix this, I'm overcome with despondency. "What's the point, none of it really matters." I know it's not true, but it's as if on some deeper level I've already resigned to it. If life really did have a meaning, maybe I'm just an exception. Maybe I already fouled it up so badly that it's not even worth trying anymore. Even though I know these things are objectively incorrect, it's all my mind ever goes to. I'm not even looking for advice, I know what I need to do in life, I actually have a very good grasp on that part, but it's my interior that's the problem. From the outside I probably look like a normal person. Though nobody has ever really been capable of connecting with me. I would bet I resemble an "NPC". I try to make myself as normal and inoffensive as I can appear, and frankly I succeed.

Sorry if this sounds pseudo-intellectual, I guess I get my thoughts out better speaking like this. This was inane anyway.