>>67413Since you seen genuinely interested I guess i’ll give you some insight on my decision and my story. Ever since I was a kid I never had extreme femininity pushed on me or masculinity pushed on me. I was just a normal kid. I started becoming more feminine naturally when my brain started to be more cognitive and as I started to make friends with girls as a kid. I don’t remember much on gender from age 0-7 so I can’t comment on much outside of what I’ve just said.
<When I was 8 years old that was when I really started becoming more self aware. I started to feel like an outcast for no specific reason, I wasn’t getting bullied. I felt completely isolated because I felt like I did not fit in with the girls at all, my personality didn’t line up, my interests didn’t line up, my overall being did not match with any group of girls I had ever encountered. I met girls with the same interest as me/girls who were more tomboys and I still felt like I was a disgusting intruder (including when I went through my tomboy phase). But when I started hanging out with the boys, getting invited to play with them, their birthday parties, etc. for the first time in my entire life I felt apart of something and genuinely included and welcomed. I can’t even explain what I felt, it was a soul connection. Almost spiritual, I knew in the back of my mind that’s what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a boy. I had no clue what being transgender was or that it was even a thing.
<Fast forward I’m still battling this out in my head. I’m in middle school and I feel the same way. I feel like a bull in a china shop whenever I hang out with girls because I feel constantly judged and outcast, and honestly I never could relate to their personal stories/lives/situations. I isolated myself because I felt disgusted and that the girls hated me. Once again, I started hanging out with quite a shy group of boys who got up to mischief often and it was like a spark fired again. I felt the most normal I had ever felt. In that moment I knew I wanted to be a boy, I felt that weird soul connection again.
<I didn’t even know what being transgender was when I was in middle school and when I started feeling like this. I’d have reoccurring dreams that I was a boy and it was the happiest I’d ever been. The day after one of the nights that I had that dream, I was watching TV with my parents and a story about a child about my age called “Jazz Jennings” started playing. She was transgender. I was actually very confused and baffled when I found out being transgender was actually a thing and I had no strong feelings on it, and my parents reacted positively to the story.
<I’m going to do this part quick now since I’ve rambled for a long time.
I realised that I could maybe be transgender. I convinced my mom to let me get a haircut (she still had no idea), I got my waist length hair cut off and into a short hairstyle. This was me testing the waters, I felt so happy. I told my parents that I was transgender a few weeks afterwards and the reaction was neutral. But then my parents just kept bringing it up in conversations saying stuff like “but as a child you played with dolls, you cannot be transgender.” And “you’ve never shown interest in playing sports, you are doing this for attention”. It made me second guess myself so I retracted everything and started wearing girls clothes again and made people call me “She”. The cycle repeated; I came out a year later, I got bullied out of it by my own parents, I retracted back.
<When I was 15 I had enough I knew what I was and who I was and I put my foot down and explained everything to my parents. They were still weird about it but at this point I didn’t care. Living and being perceived as a girl was making me miserable. I always second guessed myself though when making pronoun decisions and name choices because I was scared that I was faking it subconsciously since it had been drilled in by my parents, and also online there were a lot of people doing it for the trend at this time. All I did was socially transition as a safety net incase I was wrong. Years passed and socially transitioning was not enough for me, I was growing disgusted by my body - no sex drive, no desire to get in a relationship because of how I looked and was perceived, quite frankly I was becoming resentful of the body I was born into. I waited this out two more years and was feeling the same, that’s when I knew I needed to go on hormones otherwise I would be dead in the next year or so.