/tech/ - Soyence and Technology

I threw away the sodium nitrite I ordered a while ago today.
I think??? that it's a good thing that I'm not longer one day from dilating.
However, it feels strange, because nothing has changed about my situation, except that I think I've become even more passive.
I'm still not taking any action against the things that have been plaguing me, and I feel like a spectator in my own life.
I believe it might also be a sense of masochism- maybe I don't deserve a quick release and I deserve to reap what I've sown through to the end.
At that point, if that's how I continue my life, I would already be dead to the world.