/soy/ - Soyjaks

ive been transitioning for years and still havent come out beyond me telling my parents and then going on like i never said anything, even though they were supportive. i never even told them my name. i can never see myself as a woman, no matter what.
but i have been having second thoughts lately, that i should come out as non-binary, fully. i think that it might make me happier to, at the very least, not be acknowledged as a man.
though i cant see myself as a woman, i can at least see myself as not being a man after all these years. i do not know if i am truly non-binary, i dont know how to know that. but myself and others sense androgyny from me, so it must mean something. i just dont know if i am strong enough.
this whole time, i thought that repressing and hiding like this was an act of strength, but when i think about it, i might have been wrong. it isnt my strength that is stopping me from fully coming out, it is my lack of strength and humility. i have always had a deep shame for the way i feel. i dont want to lose the shred of dignity i have left.
it may be a different kind of strength to hold up this facade for so long, but is that really strength? to keep holding something i dont even want, instead of dropping it and facing my shame?
i dont know what to do
i just want to be free