/soy/ - Soyjaks

I'm an agnostic and extremely narcissistic. I hate God because he has what I could never have: ultimate control over the universe. He's revered and worshipped while I'm ostracized and despised. I have to work and suffer for the simple, prosaic niceties in my life while he has everything exactly the way he planned it to be, right here, right now by doing the equivalent of lifting a finger, probably less than that. I'm not even sure there is a god, in fact I'd lean toward the opposite. If God is real, he's not nice. In fact I think he's angry at me for blaspheming him. I think he's going out of his way to enshittify my life because I'm not willing to get on one knee for him. The human condition is unpredictable, but it seems like it's going every which way opposite to what I expect. I don't believe in free will. I believe in unfree will. We have options, but we don't dictate what those options are. There exists foreign objects influencing our "free will" to the point where it may as well not be there at all. Environment, childhood, genetics, mental presuppositions, health, energy, etcetera. I don't have a God-complex, I have an anti-God complex. I know I'm not God and will never be God, so I take the next best thing. I regard everyone around me as miles below me. I manipulate and abuse people, as if playing inside of a sandbox. I fantasize about people lashing out at me and calling me out on my bullshit and relish in it when they do, because at least then I'm recognized for something. I can't be the richest, the most famous, the most handsome or intelligent. But I can be the most divisive, the most inflammatory, etc. And the weirdest part is that I'm proud of it all. My narcissism runs so deep that I appreciate my worst traits. My apathy, my sloth, my irony-poisoning, my irritableness, my neuroticism. I hate the people around me, because they lack the ability to self-reflect in any sort of critical way, or reflect on anyone for that matter. Their conversations and struggles are completely superficial and simple-minded. They're God-fearing, agreeable bourgeoisie, the literal backbone of this country and yet I can't stand being in the same room as them. Because to what end is that lifestyle, that line of thinking? They have the exact same problems they did 10 years ago. And they can't see it. It's not even my interpersonal relationships, I just hate people in general. Because they have an inflated sense of self importance just like I do. That's the worst part about all of this. I was a fucking hypocrite the whole time. Everything that I revere about myself, I loathe within others. I think it's because I'd rather they worship me instead of themselves.