/soy/ - Soyjaks

Bro, I’m telling you, it’s a total wiring error. It makes zero sense.

I run a high-end home theater and security installation business, right? I spend all day running cables, mapping out inputs, making sure the right plug goes into the right port. So my wife—we’re at our place in Murray Hill—she asks me to do anal. I look her dead in the eye and I’m like, "Are you out of your mind? Absolutely not."

But because of my job, I'm completely inside my own head now. I can’t even do doggy style. I look down, I see her asshole right there, and my brain just sees a universal port. A butt is a butt. It is mechanically identical to a man's. There is zero differentiation in the hardware.

Later on, she tries to fix things with a blowjob. I’m laying there looking at the ceiling, and my brain is still troubleshooting. A mouth is a mouth. Soft tissue, suction, teeth. It’s the exact same connection as a dude sucking my dick. I lost it. I told her, "Get your mouth off my dick and stop acting like a total faggot!"

Finally, she suggests standard missionary. Old-school vaginal. So I start fucking her pussy, I’m looking right at her, and she looks up at me and goes, "Oh honey, stop. Just kiss me." So I lean down and I start to kiss her. Our tongues touch, and instantly my brain panics. A tongue is just a tongue. There's no gender to muscle and saliva. It's the same exact wet mass. I'm literally Frenching a dude. What am I doing? The math finally clicks. I look at the ports, I look at the connections, and it hits me—I’m the biggest faggot in New York.