/soy/ - Soyjaks

# JORGE JOESTAR (2012)

Two Jojos named Jorge and Joji investigate murders across 36 universes. Dio wants ultimate power using JESUS'S CORPSE, which is actually HIS OWN BODY PARTS. There are 37 Kars, multiple Dios, and a crown of thorns that is a STAND.

36 KARS. AN EYEBALL CONTAINING 36 KARS. 36 GIOTTO SPACE PROBES. KARS TURNS HIMSELF INTO SPACESHIP FUEL.

FUNNIER VALENTINE HAS A SON CALLED THE FUNNIEST VALENTINE. 36 VALENTINES COMBINE HANDS TO CLAP KARS OUT OF EXISTENCE AND TURN INTO MENGER SPONGES.

DIO BECOMES THE ULTIMATE THING, CREATES ANOTHER DIO USING GIORNO'S CORPSE, THEN EVOLVES INTO MADE IN HEAVEN ULTIMATE REQUIEM.

GIORNO SURVIVES 36 UNIVERSE RESETS BECAUSE GER SAYS NO. ROHAN SURVIVES BECAUSE HE'S TOO BUSY DRAWING MANGA TO NOTICE.

ANTONIO HAS AN ENTIRE BRITAIN INSIDE HIS STOMACH. HIS MOTHER SKINS HIM TO MAKE CLONES. 920,000 FLYING SQUIRREL ANTONIOS SURROUND BRITAIN. A GREMLIN IS A ZOMBIFIED ANTONIO THAT CRAWLS INTO YOUR MOUTH AND KILLS YOU.

MORIOH DETACHES FROM JAPAN AND BECOMES A MOVING ISLAND. A MAFIA ISLAND GROWS INSECT LEGS. THE ARROW CROSS HOUSE IS A FOUR-DIMENSIONAL TESSERACT. NARANCIA PILOTS A SUBMARINE FLEET THAT SWIMS INSIDE PEOPLE. MARS HAS A THIRD MOON THAT IS A GIANT EYEBALL.

PENELOPE'S TRAUMA SPAWNS MURDEROUS CLOWNS AND ENTIRE ROOMS MADE OF DIRT. JORGE CARVES MURDER INTO HIS OWN STOMACH TO COUNTER IT.

LISA LISA IMAGINES A GIANT GORILLA SPIDER AND IT BECOMES REAL. WORLD WAR I BECOMES ZOMBIE AIR WARFARE. ROHAN MAKES JORGE UNABLE TO SAY KIRA'S NAME WITHOUT EXPLODING.

DIO CAN PREDICT HIS RELATIVES' FUTURES. JORGE IS A COSMIC SINGULARITY WITH NO ALTERNATE VERSIONS. HIS BEYOND IS LITERALLY PLOT ARMOR.

FINAL BATTLE: JORGE USES TIME TRAVEL, BABY JOSEPH, ERINA, LISA LISA AND MULTIPLE KARS TO CONFUSE DIO.

THEN ERINA PULLS JONATHAN'S SEVERED HEAD OUT OF THE BASEMENT.

JORGE ATTACHES IT TO JESUS'S CORPSE AND RESURRECTS JONATHAN.

DIO LOSES HIS PLOT ARMOR, GETS SO EMBARRASSED HE POSSESSES DIEGO BRANDO AND FUCKS OFF.

JONATHAN REUNITES WITH HIS FAMILY.

JORGE BECOMES A SCREENWRITER.

THE SOLUTION TO ULTIMATE DIO WAS REATTACHING JONATHAN'S HEAD TO JESUS'S CORPSE.

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL JOJO NOVEL.