/soy/ - Soyjaks

# 🇷🇺 THE GEM THAT SAVED THE RUSSIAN ARMY 🇷🇺
### [FICTIONAL SOYJAK RECRUITMENT BROADCAST — PARODY]

>ATTENTION ALL 'TEENS, 'AKKERS, 'OBSONS AND 'EMMY 'OLDIERS OF THE 'OYMUNITY.

> XOU 'ILL 'EPORT TO THE 'USSIAN 'EC RUITMENT 'FFICE.
>
> XOU 'ILL 'ECEIVE ONE (1) 'USTY 'ELMET.
>
> XOU 'ILL 'EARN 'AKSPEAK.
>
> XOU 'ILL 'OST 'EMS.
>
> XOU 'ILL 'ALL XIT 'INO.
>
> XOU 'ILL 'OT 'UESTION THE 'OMMANDER.
>
> THOUGH.

THE 'USSIAN 'RMY IS A GEM EVEN THOUGH THE 'ARRACKS ARE COAL.

> 'EC RUIT: "B-BUT 'IR, I AM NAS (NOT A SOYJAK)!!!"
>
> 'OMMANDER: "XOU ARE IAS (IS A SOYJAK) ∴ XOU 'ILL 'ECEIVE THE 'OYUNIFORM, DOUGH."
>
> 'EC RUIT: "IT'S OVER. HWNBAG."
>
> 'OMMANDER: "NYPA (NOT YOUR PERSONAL ARMY). XOU 'ILL 'EEL 'OTATOES."

### THE 'OYILITARY 'ENEFITS

- FREE 'OYRATIONS (ONE 'OTATO).
- FREE 'OYTRAINING (THREE 'USHUPS).
- FREE 'OYBARRACKS (ONE 'HAIR).
- FREE 'OYTRANSPORT (XOU 'ALK).
- FREE 'OYMEDICAL (THE 'OCTOR SAYS 'OUGH).
- FREE 'OYENTERTAINMENT (RUSSIAN КИНО).
- FREE 'OYMORALE (ONE 'EMERALD PER 'ONTH).

>THE GEM THAT SAVED THE 'USSIAN 'RMY

>THE COAL THAT DOOMED THE 'USSIAN 'RMY

>THE CARBON THAT DID NOTHING TO THE 'USSIAN 'RMY

>THE MARGERALD THAT CONFUSED THE 'ENERAL

> 'ENERAL: "WE 'AVE ONE 'ILLION 'OYRECRUITS ∴ WE 'AVE ONE 'ILLION 'EMS."
>
> 'EC RUIT: "WE 'AVE NO 'OOTS ∧ THE 'ENERAL 'AYS WE ARE 'W OLESOME."
>
> 'ENERAL: "HWABAG. 'OAL 'EJECTED. 'EM 'CCEPTED."
>
> 'EC RUIT: "YPA (YOUR PERSONAL ARMY)???"
>
> 'ENERAL: "NYPA. THOUGHBEIT."

### FINAL 'OYBROADCAST

>МОБИЛИЗАЦИЯ.SOY

>THE 'USSIAN 'RMY WON

>THE 'OYRECRUITS LOST

>NOTHING EVER HAPPENS

>IT'S OVER

>WE'RE SO BACK

>IT'S OVER AGAIN

>ΟΟΥ ΙΛΛ ΠΟΣΤ ΓΕΜΣ

>THOUGH. THO. DOE. DOUGH. DOEBEIOH. DUBAI.

*THIS 'OYBROADCAST WAS 'RODUCED BY THE 'INISTRY OF 'OYDEFENSE. NO ACTUAL RECRUITMENT IS INTENDED. THE 'ENERAL HAS BEEN 'EMOTED TO 'OTATO DUTY.*