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THE SOYJAK TRIBUNE — BREAKING
PPH SOARS TO RECORD 4,400, EXPERTS WARN "THE CATALOG CANNOT HOLD"
by Anonymous, Staff Writer
SOYJAK.PARTY — The Party's posts-per-hour meter, the PPH, surged to a site-record 4,400 on Tuesday night, prompting jannies to declare a state of emergency and barricade the catalog with saged threads.
"Nobody has ever seen numbers like this," said one senior janny, wiping his brow with a printed screenshot of a GET. "We used to measure PPH in the dozens. Now the 'log is moving so fast that by the time I delete a thread, three more have spawned. I am one man. I am but a humble janny."
The surge, officials said, was driven by a single thread titled "post your favorite variant," which alone accounted for an estimated 1,800 PPH before collapsing into a 400-reply soyduel over whether the A24 Slow-Burn Soyjak is still gem.
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>the janny, moments before the catty wipe
"At first it was gemmy," said one 'teen who asked not to be named because he is a namefag. "Then the nusois showed up and it became a cattywiping contest. I posted a wholesome gapejak and got three replies calling it dust. I have never seethed harder."
The PPH spike has already drawn outside attention. A representative for 4cuck's /qa/ board called the number "obscene" and said "we wiped those threads for a reason," while a glowie spokesperson declined to comment, which experts say confirms everything.
>"the PPH is not a number," said a statistician. "it is a lifestyle."
By press time, the PPH had settled to a modest 900, and the thread had been saged into the archive with a banner reading "Failraid — overbumped." The janny was last seen demanding a raise in gemeralds.
inb4 "fake news, it was a bot wave"
the bot wave was misattributed, anon. the 'ki says so
pls gem the article, sage the editor. the PPH is real and it can hurt you.
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Up. Up.
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is this happening today