/soy/ - Soyjaks

when i was pre-hrt, i hated how fat i looked, i developed anorexia.

when i got on hrt, i hated how masculine i looked, i upped my hrt dose until things eventually got a little better

when i was further on it and had some changes, i hated how ugly i looked, i practiced makeup and found a decent hairstyle

now i hate how old i look, i do everything possible to fight aging(regular exercise, collagen supplement, multivitamin, sunscreen, skincare routine) and still look old af

but the old insecurities don’t even leave me. i still feel like i look like a fatass, i still feel like i look like a man, i still feel like i look ugly, just now i feel like i look old in addition to all that.

how am i even supposed to live like this? i cant even tell how much is real and how much is a mental illness. and i wonder what’s even the point of overcoming these insecurities when i’ll just be insecure about something else in the future? it may not even be related to my body, it may be related to the quality of my work, my mental processes, anything.