№17749095[Quote]
Chapter 1 (The Outburst)
Hey all. I wanted to make this post while the events are still fresh in my mind. My bad if this goes against the rules of the sharty as I’ve just been looking for a place to get this off my chest and let the public know what I witnessed. I have to warn everyone in case anyone comes across the horrors that I did. See, I was friends with a former janny on the sharty that was janitoring during Quote's administration. I say “was” because we’re not friends anymore after a dispute over a game of Monopoly. I took all his property fair and square and he crashed the fuck out. He always had a bit of a temper, but this was the worst I had seen of him. He flipped the table we were playing on, hyperrealistic Monopoly board and pieces flying in every direction. He flipped the table, flipped his chair, flipped my chair, flipped me the bird, then started smashing shit in my house. He smashed my brand new dinner plates, framed map of the United States, my porcelain sculpture of a primate, freshly-opened tube of Colgate, all with my 10-pound weights. One could say that his mental state was very much so in the direst of straits.
I told him I wanted him out of my house and for fuck sake, get some help. He leered at me wild-eyed from across the threshold of my front door. “Help? Help?!” He shouted. “I’ll show you help!” He dropped trou and exposed his penis to me. But where his penis was supposed to be was… a VHS tape. It dangled on its side out of his crotch area, swaying in the breeze. On the label, I could see writing that said “Soyjak Party Training Tape: Quote-Era Edition” and I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. He grabbed the tape and violently ripped it out of his crotch. It wasn’t some prank like it was just taped onto his body or whatever. It was surgically grafted to his crotch and I could see the skin stretch and peel as he ripped it off. He threw the tape at my face and screamed about how he hasn’t been able to have sex in 20 years or something like that or however the burger is cooked, I wasn’t really listening out of the sheer shock of what I had just witnessed. By the time my focus shifted back to my friend, he was already in his car that was oddly Cobson-shaped and puttered off, his car struggling to even coast down the road because of its form factor. I was freaked out, grossed out, and creeped out all because my friend had crashed out.
I then grabbed the tape and took it inside. I began to scrape the remaining cock skin off of the tape casing and I set it on my coffee table, sitting on my sofa and staring at it for five minutes, reflecting on what just happened. I then grabbed the tape and put it in my VCR that I conveniently still have in my living room because I’m too lazy to write a unique explanation in this godforsaken REAL STORY for still having a VCR handily available. I pressed play and waited for the tape to begin.
№17749098[Quote]
Chapter 2 (The Tape Begins)
The tape began with a familiar home-video clip-on. It was one Disney used in the 2000s. The deep, saturated blue background with the subtle blurred visual of a rolling filmreel and all of that. “Coming soon to own on video,” played over the droning keyboard used as background music. After five seconds passed, the screen faded out and I expected to see some previews of some Disney titles that were coming to store shelves soon after whenever this episode was supposed to be released. Not gonna lie, I’m still scratching my head over the Disney/Buena Vista licensing. The previews start with a pure black screen. There was a little bit of fuzzy noise in the background, the only signifier that it was working properly. All of a sudden, I could hear Quote himself speaking in a hushed tone.
“Oh my God, I really gotta shit.” The titular Quote said as the sound of shuffling feet can be heard getting closer. The sound of a toilet stall door opening and closing quickly followed by the sound of pants dropping was then heard. “Pull down my pants, and…” Bare ass cheeks hit porcelain and then a loud, obnoxious flatulence sound was heard echoing through what I have surmised to be a public restroom. “This is a certified… Quote constipation moment!” And what followed was an actual anal explosion that made me think that Quote literally shat himself inside out. A thunderous clap of ass ripped through the restroom, even clipping the camera microphone and drowning out the sound of Quote’s shouts of anguish.
After about 15 seconds, the torrential diarrhea monsoon died out, the only noise accompanying the silence was the whimpers of Quote as he recovered from the thunder from down under. “That was a lot!” Quote exclaimed before another loud fart reverberated in the toilet like some kind of fucked up anal echochamber. There was then some rustling which might have been him wiping his ass and then the toilet flushed. He retched at the smell. “Oh man, that’s one smelly motherfucker.” Quote muttered before running out of the bathroom, not even bothering to wash his hands.
After this scene, the screen then lit up with the Disney filmreel bumper again. “And now, our feature presentation.” So… The previews Disney played were just… Quote taking a shit that sounded like a damn washing machine. Ok? Either way, I pressed on.
The show then began.
Quote appeared on his usual set in front of a live studio audience. “I’m Quote, website programmer and gay porn actor, and this is the sharty training video.” Wait. gay porn… actor? When was this? I couldn’t explain it one bit and I still can’t. No matter how many archives I can find I can't find evidence of him being gay and an actor, especially of the sexual kind. The intro started on a blue background with white text that reads "SOYJAK.PARTY TRAINING TAPE" and Cobman played, but it was reversed and in G major. In every live B-roll shot of Quote, there was a toilet sitting in a dark corner of the stage. Sitting there. Watching. Judging. The show then went on. Quote took the stage, the toilet now no longer seen, to loud applause from the studio audience.
№17749109[Quote]
Chapter 3 (It Gets Weirder)
“Hello 'teens.” Quote waved as he made his way out from stage left. He jogged down the rows of audience members, smiling from ear to ear, hands out, high fiving the crowd like some kind of rockstar as he then made his way back to the center of the stage. “Good morning everybody, I hope you’re all ready for a nice training video today as we journey into the human mind.” Now, I’ve never seen any account of 'teens coming to something like this even though I go on the sharty daily. Maybe this was hidden by glowies? I couldn’t get any info about this no matter how many archives I look through.
Quote looked directly at the camera and it zoomed in quickly with a dramatic sting. “A game of Monopoly goes violently wrong. What do two grown men do to resolve this?” My heart sank into my balls when I heard this. Quote continued. “Here today are the two men at odds with one another. Jimmy and Bobby are in the building with us today. Come on out, fellas.” My blood turned cold. My name is Bobby. My ex-friend's name is Jimmy. What the actual hell is this? How?! I don’t remember doing this! The Monopoly freakout happened just 30 minutes prior! Sure enough, two people who looked just like myself and Jimmy walked out onto the soundstage and sat in chairs across from Dr. Quote.
“Now Jimmy here works on the website as a janitor. He’s best known as the guy who hangs around fans on roofs like a possum, but instead of hanging by a tail, he hangs by his little Jimmy.” Quote leers at the camera and it zooms in on his face. “His penis.” He leans on the edge of his seat. “Penis.” He snaps back into his seat. “Anyway, Jimmy and Bobby are here with us this morning.” The audience claps and cheers obviously for us, but Quote takes the credit with “Thank you, thank you.” It was here that I noticed the presence of several Taco Bell items on the table between us. Quote reaches for one of the crunchy taco supremes and unwraps it, beginning the session.
“So tell me, boys, mkay? How did this all begin? Jimmy comes over to Bobby’s place, Bobby pulls out the Monopoly game and you two begin. So… what happened?” He sank his teeth into the taco, shredded lettuce sticking to the side of his mouth as he chewed rather noisily. Jimmy explained it from a very one-sided perspective. “Well, this motherfucker stole all of my property, he obviously cheated with how he was rolling the dice. It’s not the first time he gamed the system in Monopoly.” What stuck out to me is that "motherfucker" wasn’t bleeped out, motherfucker. Motherfucker.
My doppelganger tried to explain it from the true perspective, that he just sucks at Monopoly and doesn’t understand it, but Quote started eating his taco very loudly, the taco shell crunching in extremely high volumes and smacking his lips while chewing, as well as fumbling with the wrapper. “Sorry, can’t hear you, can you repeat that?” Quote asked with his mouth full, spitting soggy taco bits into my doppelganger’s lap. “Well, I was saying that-” Quote snatched another taco supreme from the table and violently unwrapped it, stuffing it into his gullet and munching loudly in a rude manner. “What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of the Taco Bell that’s entered my mouth hole, mkay?” My doppelganger’s face crumpled and he put his hands up in defense. “I’m trying to tell my side of the story, but you’re eating.” Quote nodded as he sucked the sour cream off of his fingertips. “Mhmm, and how’s that workin’ for ya?” He asked. My doppelganger stammered. “Nuh… um… ugh, not well…?” Quote gestured towards the pile of assorted Taco Bell products that were on the table. “Don’t mind me, our catering crew was a little late today and needed to improvise. Take as much as you’d like. I don’t mind.” Quote picked up a Baja Blast and began to suck it down with great glee. Not that I blame him, I’m quite fond of that blast of the baja myself, but this wasn’t the time to eat tex-mex fast food.
№17749120[Quote]
Chapter 4 (Commercial Break)
“This isn’t the time to eat tex-mex fast food.” My doppelganger reflected my sentiment word for word. Quote shrugged. “I just thought a dispute like this would be best solved by getting everyone together and breaking bread. I am a programmer after all.” Jimmy eagerly swiped a Mexican Pizza with extra lettuce off the table and began feasting on the delicious specimen. Then, Quote grabs his stomach and lurches forward a little bit. “We’ll… we’ll be right back after these messages.” He says as the shot crossfades to a wide shot of the stage, showing my doppelganger sitting there awkwardly, Jimmy devouring his Mexican Pizza, and Quote standing up, clutching his stomach as he shuffles offstage.
The commercial break wasn’t any better. There was an advertisement for Taco Bell advertising the enchirito, a TV spot for Toy Story 5, which oddly enough, Woody looked a really off-model, kind of like a ventriloquist puppet, what looked seemed like an advertisement for male enhancement pills taped over by camcorder footage of Mike Myers in full Cat in the Hat costume taking a shit in a human-sized litter box and a 15-second PSA of Pepe the Frog in full frame, staring into the camera, staring at me, wide-eyed and repeatedly shouting “TRAISO RIGHTS! TRAISO RIGHTS!” There was also an advertisement for some cursed-ass product from Jell-O called Blood Pops featuring 89-year-old Bill Cosby, unable to look straight into the camera because he’s old, blind and a disgusting rapist. “Jell-O Blood Pops are for all ages of the family, young and old, anyone who believes in all things evil.” He sticks out his tongue and wags it at the camera. Plastic skeletons were thrown onto the set behind him, clattering to the floor with the hollow plastic sounds only Dollar Tree decorations can provide. ”This month only! Get two boxes of Jell-O Blood Pops in any flavor of your choosing, for only 67 cents!” Cosby then did the 67 hand motion and then I decided I had enough of this bullshit.
I tried to shut off the VCR but it wasn’t working. I tried ejecting the tape, but no dice. I then reached around to unplug the VCR and that’s when I heard the commercial grind to a halt, Cosby’s voice loud and clear through my sound bar. “Unplug this tape and I’ll unplug your dick.” The disgraced comedian said menacingly. I looked back at the screen and saw Cosby scowling vaguely in the direction of the camera. The ad continued from there with no incident. “Jell-O Blood Pops combine what you love about Jell-O gelatin and mix it with real human blood!” Cosby took a slurp from a pop and his eyes grew so wide the eyeballs nearly fell out. “Jell-O Blood Pops! Rot your soul!” Cosby concluded, smiling at the camera and holding two boxes of these cursed blood pops, one flavor named ‘Original Red Iron’ and the other named ‘Orange Delight’.
The commercial faded out and one last PSA played. This one was narrated by Cobblestone. “This is a public service announcement from Cobblestone.” Cobble started. On screen was a photo of assorted figurines of the infamous "variant" Smuglet in a basket on a table. Xe continued. “Cobblestone says no putting Smuglet figurines down your clitty.” What…? Who would stuff figurines into their… What? Why? “It will make you a jartycuck.” Cobblestone began barking like an agitated dog. “ It will ruin your life, so you better not be mashin’ any of those toys past your vagina, okay? This has been Cobblestone, and practice safe sex.” The PSA ended there.
№17749153[Quote]
Chapter 5 (End of the Tape)
The show returned with even more horrific absurdity. Instead of the studio the training video took place in, it was now taking place in my living room. I looked around the actual room and obviously there was no Quote, no facsimile of myself or Jimmy, no cameras, no studio audience. I kept watching, my blood turning cold. Quote looked visibly uncomfortable. He was clenching his stomach yet attempting to keep his professional demeanor. His face was drained of color and he looked rather sick. “Welcome… back to the sharty training video. We have… ugh… we have Bobby and Jimmy here with us, still sorting out their… their quarrel.” Jimmy also looked poorly. He was leaning back in his seat, palms over his tumtum and he was breathing rather heavily.
“HRT!” Quote suddenly shouted. “THERE IS HRT AND ESTROGEN IN THE LETTUCE!” He waved his hands in the air and waggled his banana split ice-cream hat as he screamed. He let out a loud fart. Then another. A third fart lifted him several inches out of his seat, the flatulence sounding like a propeller taking off, and he skittered back off set. Smash cut to… the restroom scene from the beginning of the tape. This time, it was from the POV of a cameraman and boom operator following Quote into the restroom, into the very stall Quote was about to exorcise his asshole in. It was even more horrific a second time. Quote's ass was roaring with the tenacity of a demon from the deepest pit of hell, hyperrealistic diarrhea sounds emitting from this linux user’s rectum. His banana-split hat bounced and rumbled as he fought for his life on the porcelain throne, his eyes bugging out of their eyesockets as he fought an uphill battle on the mountain of Grand Shitton. His ass ripped and shrieked with such force it peaked the boom mic and reverberated throughout the restroom. As his asshole was blowing itself to smithereens, a news ticker appeared on the bottom third of the screen, reporting on an outbreak of insertion of HRT and estrogen in various food items such as lettuce, parsley, and cilantro. The credits began to roll on this cursed training tape, with every name in the credits being Quote with the exception of the catering crew, being dedicated to Taco Bell. The year printed on the credits was 2004, a whole 22 years ago.
The tape ended with no production cards or logos, just a shot of the CEO of Taylor Farms, Bruce Taylor, in a dark room with one overhead light illuminating him. He was holding salad spoons and laughing at the camera. He began to chant. “Shit your pants! Shit your pants! Shit your pants! Shit your pants!” As he kept chanting, I swear it began to morph into him confessing something. “Shit your pants! Shit your pants! The government did 9/11!” I was beginning to think something was askew with Mr. Taylor. He then gestured at the camera, at me, and said, “Open wide, you little cheating bitch!” He then jabbed a spoonful of lettuce at the camera and when he pulled back, it was gone. I then looked down and saw my mouth was full of lettuce! I screamed and tried to spit out as much of the lettuce as I could, but some slithered down my throat and ended up in my stomach. I tried to shove a finger down my throat to make myself vomit, but I wasn’t successful.
I then heard a voice from behind me. “Buh-buh-Bobby, I think you might just have to clear your schedule. Your buh-buh-bowels are about to turn you inside out.” It was none other… than Quote. Quote was standing inside my living room. He stepped closer, his banana-split hat then exploded in detail. It’s not ice-cream. No, not in the slightest. To my horror, I found out what his hat really is made of… It’s lettuce. It’s true. Quote's hat is made out of lettuce! “Feeling your tumtum begin to feel a little funky, Bobby? You little pussy bitch?” My face contorted in anger and I told the former sharty owner to get the fuck out of my house. He got in my face. His breath smelled of cheesy gordita crunches with a sweet afternote of Cinnabon Delights. He began to lose his cool. “You’re in this predicament because YOU wanted to CHEAT at MONOPOLY like a little CHEATER… little CHEATER, YOU! MKAY?! You wanna know what I do with CHEATERS, Bobby?!” His lettuce hat began to sweat. “Oh, they get put on the ranch.” Of course, he was referring to none other than Turn-About Ranch. The one that has had a few stories about mistreatment of residents tacked onto it. “You’re gonna go to that ranch, you’re gonna shovel horse shit day in and day out, and you’re gonna do it all while your ass shovels shit out of itself into your britches, mkay?”
№17749159[Quote]
Chapter 6 (The Finale)
I didn’t have enough time to respond. My stomach began to churn. It churned as Quote stood there, smiling. A twisting pain in my stomach doubled me over as I tried to make a run for the bathroom. Just as I was stumbling towards the hallway, my body basically folded in half and a rocket of liquid diarrhea shot out of my ass at mach 20, firing a hole through my undergarments and premium Levi jeans, spraying Quote with molten fecal fudge the likes of which the world had never seen before. The shit stream hit Quote like a power washer to a leaf in the wind and blasted him through my front door, covering him head to toe in my torrent of anal fluid. He began to scream and holler in a demonic manner as his form began to melt and mix with the fecal fondue. The form then slithered away and promised revenge on me one day as I scrambled to the toilet and prayed to a god, any god, gods that I don’t even know exist, to put an end to the absolutely abhorrent and agonizing anal anguish I was enduring.
I had passed out on the toilet after losing too much water to the ass evacuation I was under. I woke up three days later in a hospital. They had to stitch my anus back together. Apparently a neighbor called for a welfare check after first complaining about a repugnant odor that began to encapsulate the neighborhood. I wasn’t allowed to shit for three weeks. All I could think about was that damn tape that was once grafted onto my former friend’s dick. Speaking of Jimmy, he never did recover from having a tape attached to his groin for decades. I heard he’s had several surgeries to attach a new penis, but his body rejected it every time. I was thinking about giving him a call once this is all over.
If you see Quote these days, he may look a little off. That’s because my dookie never separated from his body. Now, Quote is more shit than man. He gets regular fiber injections straight into his body to firm himself up or else he collapses into a pile of shit and the cruel mimicry of a person. Otherwise, he looks like any other person, like you or me. But they say if he’s close, you may just get a strong odor… of diarrhea.
№17749186[Quote]
>>17749177This story isn't mine, my friend sent it to me through email
№17749207[Quote]
I am incredibly confused on what I just read
№17749326[Quote]
a24 bone chilling genre defining jaw clenching slow-burn psychological thriller gem