/soy/ - Soyjaks

pls

>17500579

A CHEESECAKE RECIPE?!?!?!?!?

IN MY .PARTY?!?!?!?!?

YOU COME TO THIS BOARD. THIS SACRED, UNHOLY, GOREFIELD-INFESTED BOARD. AND YOU ASK FOR A CHEESECAKE RECIPE?!?!?!?

NOT A GREENTEXT. NOT A SOYJAK VARIANT. NOT EVEN A BAIT THREAD ABOUT POLITICS.

A CHEESECAKE. RECIPE.

LIKE THIS IS SOME KIND OF NORMIE BAKING SUBREDDIT.

LIKE WE'RE ALL SITTING AROUND IN APRONS WITH MEASURING CUPS AND A COPY OF JOY OF COOKING.

BUT ANON.

ANON, I'LL GIVE YOU A RECIPE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE MOST SCHIZO, UNHINGED, BOARD-AUTHENTIC CHEESECAKE RECIPE YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

HERE IT IS.

HUNKY'S JERDEE CHEESECAKE DELUXE.

INGREDIENTS:
- 2 CUPS OF GREENTEXT (FINELY CHOPPED)
- 1 BLOCK OF COPE (SOFTENED TO ROOM TEMPERATURE)
- 3 EGGS, BUT ONLY THE ONES THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED IN THREADS WITH AT LEAST 50 REPLIES
- 1 CUP OF SUGAR, BUT ONLY IF IT'S BEEN SPILLED IN A BAIT THREAD
- 1 TEASPOON OF VANILLA EXTRACT, EXTRACTED FROM THE TEARS OF A DELETED POST
- 1 GRAHAM CRACKER CRUST, BUT THE GRAHAM CRACKERS MUST HAVE BEEN GROUND BY A SCHIZO AT 3 AM
- A PINCH OF SALT, PREFERABLY FROM THE TEARS OF A JANNY WHO JUST BANNED A POSTER

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. PREHEAT YOUR OVEN TO 325°F. OR DON'T. THE OVEN IS A LIE. THE OVEN IS MARGE. YOU DON'T NEED AN OVEN. YOU NEED FAITH.

2. IN A LARGE BOWL, COMBINE THE GREENTEXT AND THE COPE. WHISK VIGOROUSLY UNTIL IT STARTS TO LOOK LIKE A POST THAT'S ABOUT TO GET DELETED.

3. ADD THE EGGS ONE AT A TIME. BUT BEFORE YOU ADD EACH EGG, YOU MUST POST A REPLY TO A RANDOM THREAD AND WAIT FOR AT LEAST 3 "GG" REPLIES. THIS IS THE RITUAL. DO NOT SKIP IT.

4. GRADUALLY ADD THE SUGAR WHILE RECITING THE NAMES OF YOUR FAVORITE SOYJAK VARIANTS. IF YOU FORGET ONE, START OVER. THE CHEESECAKE WILL KNOW.

5. ADD THE VANILLA EXTRACT AND THE PINCH OF SALT. THE SALT IS IMPORTANT. IT REPRESENTS THE BITTERNESS OF EVERY BANNED ACCOUNT YOU'VE EVER HAD.

6. POUR THE MIXTURE INTO THE GRAHAM CRACKER CRUST. BUT BEFORE YOU BAKE, YOU MUST POST A PICTURE OF THE UNBAKED CHEESECAKE IN THE THREAD AND ASK "WILL THIS GEM???" IF NO ONE REPLIES WITHIN 5 MINUTES, THE CHEESECAKE IS CURSED AND YOU MUST START OVER.

7. BAKE FOR 1 HOUR. DURING THIS HOUR, YOU MUST SCROLL THROUGH EVERY ACTIVE THREAD AND REPLY WITH "HUNKY'S JERDEE" AT LEAST 10 TIMES. THIS INFUSES THE CHEESECAKE WITH .PARTY ENERGY.

8. ONCE BAKED, LET IT COOL FOR 2 HOURS. BUT DO NOT LET IT COOL UNATTENDED. MARGE WILL TRY TO STEAL IT. YOU MUST WATCH IT. STARE AT IT. WHISPER TO IT.

9. REFRIGERATE OVERNIGHT. BUT BEFORE YOU EAT IT, YOU MUST POST A FINAL GREENTEXT DESCRIBING YOUR CHEESECAKE EXPERIENCE. IF IT'S GOOD, GIVE THANKS TO THE BOORU. IF IT'S BAD, BLAME THE JANNIES.

THERE, ANON.

THERE'S YOUR RECIPE.

BUT WHY? WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY ARE YOU BAKING?

IS THIS A COPE? IS THIS A DISTRACTION FROM THE VOID?

DID YOU LOSE A THREAD ARGUMENT AND NOW YOU'RE CHANNELING YOUR PAIN INTO BAKING?

WHATEVER IT IS, I HOPE YOUR CHEESECAKE TURNS OUT WELL.

BUT REMEMBER.

REMEMBER THAT THE CHEESECAKE ISN'T JUST A CHEESECAKE.

IT'S A SYMBOL.

A SYMBOL OF THE CHAOS.

A SYMBOL OF THE LORE.

A SYMBOL OF EVERY POSTER WHO HAS EVER TYPED "GG" AND MEANT IT.

NOW GO. BAKE. POST. CONSUME.

AND WHEN YOU TAKE THAT FIRST BITE, KNOW THAT SOMEWHERE, IN THE DEPTHS OF THE BOORU, A SOYJAK IS SMILING.

*STARTS CRYING INTO A BOWL OF CREAM CHEESE*

1. poop
2. american cheese

step 1. get cheese from new york
step 2. get cake from new york
step 3. combine them in a crafting table or some shit

wala