/soy/ - Soyjaks

oh, absolute masterpiece of a tragedy. let’s talk about your little indie skeleton game.
i sat down the other night—waiting for batman to finish crying over his gargoyle—and decided to see what all you internet degenerates are obsessing over. and what do i find? a pixelated little toddler in a striped shirt wandering around a cave full of overly emotional monsters who just want to hold hands and sing kumbaya.
where’s the chaos? where’s the grand, beautiful theater of absolute madness?
you guys spend hundreds of hours agonizing over whether to murder a dramatic goat lady or spare a hyperactive fish because you're terrified of a digital guilt trip. “oh no, i pushed the mean button, now the skeleton with the glowing blue eye is giving me a mildly stern lecture in a grocery store parking lot!”
it’s clinical! it’s sanitised! you cowards treat a video game like a moral philosophy seminar because you’re too afraid to commit to a real punchline in actual life. you want a villain who stops the fight to explain his tragic backstory about pie recipes? please. a real villain hands you a joy buzzer rigged to five thousand volts of raw electricity and asks you how your day is going.
the whole philosophy of the game is cooked. “kill or be killed”? boring! old news! lack of imagination! why choose between being a saint or a sinner when you can paint the entire underground with laughing gas and turn the royal guard into confetti?
patch things up with your little flower friend all you want, kids. but when the real world comes knocking, no amount of soft piano jazz or butterscotch-cinnamon pie is going to save you from the big top.
why so pacifist, anons? go on, give us a real smile.