/soy/ - Soyjaks

I'm 21 now. When I was 19 I was driving home from a party at 1am. I was drunk, I know I was, I don't remember how many drinks but I remember thinking I was fine to drive.

I saw something in the road and by the time I realized what it was, it was too late. Two kids. They were walking home from a friend's house according to the news. 14 and 16. I hit them both. I didn't stop. I just kept driving. I went home and parked in the garage and waited for the cops to come but they never did.

It was in the news for weeks. They never found the driver. The case is still technically open I think. I read everything I could find about them. I know their names. I know their parents' names. I know the older one was supposed to graduate last year and the younger one played soccer. I drive past the memorial on that road every day to get to work. Sometimes I see their parents there cleaning it up or putting fresh flowers down and I have to take a different route home because I can't breathe.

I told my parents I was at a friend's house that night. They believed me. I never told anyone. I've been in therapy for "anxiety" and "depression" for two years but I can't say the real thing out loud. I keep waiting for someone to find out. I keep thinking about turning myself in but I'm a coward and also my mom would never recover. She thinks I'm this good kid who made some mistakes with drinking but turned it around.

I don't drink anymore. I don't go out anymore and havent stepped outside my house in 8 months. All I do is browse this site all day

How do you live with this. Seriously. How do you wake up every day and function knowing what you took from people. I keep trying to calculate if I've done enough good to balance it out but there's no number. There's no amount of volunteering or being nice to strangers that brings them back.

I don't expect forgiveness. I just want to know if there's a way to stop feeling like I'm dying every single day or if this is just my life now. Sometimes I think the only way to make it right is to end it and leave a note explaining everything but then I'm just causing more pain for my family and I'm too selfish to do that either.

sorry if this just comes off as a leftist wall of text, i just needed to get this off my chest