/soy/ - Soyjaks

im a very sensitive person, ive read somewhere that people are on a spectrum of sensitive to uncaring. Some people cry easily and get hurt and feel much more pain from insults and dissaproval others while some people truly dont care and dont feel anything, those are 2 extreme ends though, it relates to the nervous system and the senses or something, its both psychological and personality based and physical.
Im born very sensitive, i easily cry and get hurt, being told im subhuman and i need to die, hurts me alot and i cry often while browsing here but that pain somehow becomes masochistic pleasure.
I know no one is gonna read this niggerbabble of nonsense so im just journaling here, just ignore this shitty thread and move on with ur life, this thread is for me.
Anyway, im not a total faggot, im not directly attracted to men but the idea of domination and humiliation was put in my head from a young age, both on such internet places like these and someone older sexually dominating me irl, so this site and basically whole of white supremacy where im the subhuman who gets humiliated and killed becomes some suicidal masochistic arousing addiction, i think its the overstimulation of negativity turning into some fucked up masochist positivity creating an addiction.
All of this is just nonsense on the internet not related to my life but it occupies a large portion of my mind, because my mind has developed a big addiction to negativity, cutting feels good but it leaves scars and I still have to care about how others percieve me to function, 2 of my arms are fucked up but the cuts are near my forearm so with sleeves, nothings seen, so ill just stick to hurting my mind
Its a very unique and absurd experience to be a non white here that im kinda grateful that i am non white so i would experience this masochistic fantasy, like imagine being told ur a subhuman, u need to die, suicide is a virtue if you're x race, and the best thing is, these are genuine words with genuine intent so this feels like something out of a masochist's erotic fiction but its actually real which makes my disgusting addiction even more worse.
But i think i have to quit all of this nonsense and just accept the idea that ive thought of a long time ago, im gonna be alone and not belonging to any community forever. The idea of having to belong to a community is just a stupid unreasonable primal thing, its not based on reasoning, but based on a primal need because our cavemen ancestors survival was threatened if they didnt have a tribe. But with abandoning primal cavemen urges, and dedicating life to reasoning, in the modern world, its the lonely individual who makes his own life and own path instead of any tribe or community, its only you alone who file your job applications, do your exams, do your studying, do your assignments, pick your own career, your life is really up to you. I hate my own people and culture, I hate humanity in general, im not gonna belong to anything, because im above them to be put into any category. I do like western culture the most, i grew up on the english speaking internet , i never interacted with my culture so i feel like a foreigner here, i feel like a foreigner everywhere but that shouldnt matter because "belonnging,identity,community" are unneeded in life and its just the crybaby primal part of the brain desiring it, i know ill never be accepted by any other human being but im not gonna mope and cry about it as those whiny incel faggots do, ill be proud that i was born racially disadvantaged, disadvantaged in many ways, and mocked and hated for those disadvantages by these human scum, and hopefully i can be happy and succesful in spite of my disadvantages, those who are more privilaged than me brag about something they didnt work a single day for.
I think i have severe fluctations of intense self hate and intense narccicism, also if u read all of this dont whine, u read it on ur own decision and you incel faggots can whine about the most non problem which are simply not getting women, and i can whine about my actual real problems