/soy/ - Soyjaks

It's taken a long while for me to admit this horrible truth about myself. I've been in denial for years and if you'd ever read some of the things I wrote in certain forums on the topic of rape you'd think I was the most militant, uncompromising feminist out there. But this was all a cover up for a reality I couldn't accept: a man forced his penis into me against my will and raped me and I orgasmed from it. My mouth said no but my well lubricated vagina said yes and I have had to deal with these two irreconcilable things for years now.

I hated the thing between my legs for what it did it to me. I wanted nothing to do with it. I dind't even want to wash it in the shower. I hated that when, out of desperation, I did masturbate I could only come when I thought about him that night, pinning me down, pushing my panties aside and forcing himself into me. I cried and told him to stop as I was climaxing. I could feel myself contracting around his penis at the same time I was loudly protesting his violation. He felt it too. He told me I loved it. I hated him for making me come.

I've been drinking some tonight and I finally have the courage to tell the truth. I try to be a strong feminist and hate my rapist for forcing me but I think of that night and I get wet.

I've been careful to only date nice guys but they don't satisfy me. These men have been what every woman is supposed to want. But I don't want them. I want the asshole who kept fucking me even while i was crying, who clamped his hand over my mouth when I yelled for him to stop.

I shouldn't be like this. I hate the hole between my legs. I wish I could just sew it shut and never have to deal with again :(