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>I'm listening to Wagner's Tannhauser with the windows down, mostly because I want the people at this red light to think I'm a cultured guy. A girl of about eighteen, probably soon graduating high school, pulls up on my left. She's trying desperately to avoid eye contact and undeniably scared by the atmosphere I've crafted along this ride. I'm broadcasting this kind of unhinged but handsome white male wavelength. A kind of manic superbreakdown in waiting. Hidden behind knock-off Ray-Bans are two tired, bloodshot eyes. They sting as if this world was a chlorinated pool, and so I'm made to hide them. She keeps pivoting her head more and more in the opposite direction until I call her "bitch" at my loudest. Now she's just nervous-angry. As for me? I look good today, so naturally the consequence of certain actions is reduced by half or more.
>I'm not usually like this. I'm not usually so on edge, so forthright. I'm not usually exhaling death pheromones into the common man's air. I'm not usually foaming at the mouth. But today, I feel the blood flowing with a little more ease. I've felt like this for a while now. Weeks maybe. Months possibly. I believe that my brain is getting more oxygen than normal. Perhaps it's my increase in both raw meat & garlic consumption. Anyone else would say they feel
>alive if suddenly put in my shoes, but I feel only the polar opposite. I feel like I am dead. Dead, roaming but not rotting, among this downward pointed Earth. I'm bound by zero consequence, terrified for everyone around me. I'm not worried for myself though, because I'm quickly accepting that whatever happens to me, however bad it may be, is supposed to happen. Admittedly, this is due to some light spiritual reading I've done as of late. Parts of the genre are wise, other parts are horseshit. I've only lightly sprinkled that new knowledge into my grander worldview. Next step is to understand my role in this multimmillion-year movie, best known as the entirety of human life.