>>16113201 (OP)death isn't scary but living is. if it's possible, i think i will be happy when i die, assuming i go to heaven. i don't enjoy life on earth, but i can't kill myself because i feel there is a specific duty which i can't really elaborate on that i have to fulfill before i die, and i have held this sentiment since i was probably about 14 or so.
<non-existence is preferable to existence since in a state of non-existence, there is no pleasure, but there is also no suffering, so it "balances out" to a state of neutrality. in existence, there may be fleeting pleasure, but it's completely inseparable from suffering since the fear of losing it, the disappointment when it stops or does not meet expectations and when it fades away constantly underpins it. there is no pleasurable underpinning to suffering, and suffering is a constant, inescapable thing that pervades every aspect of life. im willing to bet (You) experienced suffering multiple times today, if not continuously, ever since you got out of bed. pleasure isn't even necessarily a good, as all it does is perpetuate the cyclical chase to keep getting it once again, driving you to suffer and strive more to get it before it goes again, and again, and again. that being said, God chose to allow me to be created, and so i must have been created for a purpose, as all things (incl. the universe, the first contingent) came from a single origin point, and i believe i know what that purpose was, if what my intuition, the omens i have been seeing and the signs i have been receiving have been pointing me towards is right.