/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

it feels like women are more friendly. men don't approach me to be my friend or conversate very often. i try and try and try to spark a connection with men (platonically), i smile and am emotive, but there's this wall. it's like every guy is just depressed, stunted, or uninterested in making friends or small talk. i'm tired of putting on a smile and being friendly for it not to be reciprocated at all. women and gay men are the only people who reciprocate my friendliness and it makes me appreciate them, even though i'm not a woman or gay. i feel like, if i approach women, they will react negatively so i never do that, but men are antisocial and unemotive when i try to talk to them. i feel trapped because of this. women are very friendly if they initiate interaction with me though, and not in a fake way. this has happened a handful of times in my life where they express some kind of interest, and i appreciate them for that. i appreciate that they at least put in the effort to be friendly, unlike a lot of guys my age. i go back in forth between interest and resentment towards women. i'll see something on social media about women or something a woman said, and feel hatred, but then i'll experience women being friendly and feel guilty for ever feeling that way. then i feel hatred towards men. i cycle between dislike for women and men, though i admit the former is experienced more often. it's this hatred between men and women online that makes me feel this way. i want to change because i really don't want that hate inside of me.

in general i go back in forth between being very friendly and empathetic, and cynical and apathetic. i feel like my friendliness has been abused which causes me to feel mean. i don't want this evil side in me but i need a certain level of cynicism to defend myself. i've always enjoyed this right-wing side of the internet, like imageboards, the farms, the right-wing youtube sphere with people like metokur or kino casino. it makes me feel guilty sometimes because it feels like i am giving into something evil by giving these sort of things my attention. if people knew i consumed content like this in real life, they may be uncomfortable being around me, and that's sad. mainstream websites like reddit and instagram are very hateful too, so maybe i shouldn't feel guilty. i know i wouldn't say hurtful things towards anyone in person, i rarely do online, but this guilt remains. i don't know how guilty i should truly feel but some amount is warranted. i've made my share of racist jokes and sexist posts here or there. i just don't want to see online hate anymore. i don't want to see others hating people and i don't want to feel hate within myself. this super racist new online culture of hating indians and women is getting old and now i just want it to go away. i'm so tired of all of this hate. society will be torn apart because of this. i hope everyone eventually realizes that your words online truly have an impact on the world. i don't want an ounce of hate in me anymore and i'm sorry. i don't want to give into this anymore.