/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

>they/them
bro was dating a walmart bag

>>91245

i dont want to give any details

>>91228 (OP)
>dont want anything to do with me
BRQQTAL
why would she say that

>>91255
believed i wasn't capable of getting better mentally although i want nothing more than to get better for them, and they got tired of being asked to treat me with more empathy and care whenever i needed it from them and had just given up on wanting to work together to make things work because they were tired

its really brutal indeed

>>91264
>them
You're a fucking brainwashed faggot kill yourself either it was a woman or a man just say it without such foppish vagueposting nigger

>>91265
it was a man, yes im gay and thats okay!

>>91266
jsid… this whole shitty board is faggots and baiters

>>91264
>tired
were you a tiring person
either way though if he doesnt have empathy or care about you youre better off without anyways

I feel you. I moved to a new city a couple years ago, spent almost a year alone. Met a few people at work, one was nice enough to invite me to hang out outside of work. Felt so welcome and it was great. Four months of that, we start cuddling and quickly dating.

I get to know her and realize we don't actually get along as partners. She's intentionally difficult to please, and not physically attractive (and getting worse), doesn't take care of her health, drives while intoxicated and hits other cars while parking, smokes weed before work, I could go on. But I thought, maybe over time it could get better if I talked to her about those things.

It didn't. She would make fun of me for being a "rule-follower" and get pissed at me for bringing stuff up, and rub the disagreement in my face. I realized, without a major personality change I can't force her into, she's not someone I want a future with. Stopped being attracted to her.

But, I really enjoy spending time with her, we share a sense of humor and so much else, and we work in the same department. So I ended it, said I'm not giving her the love she wants and I don't think I can, and I think she's a wonderful person and I hope she finds that love. She told me to get out. Sent a nasty voicemail accusing me of "future faking" (look it up, it's a narc thing like gaslighting but more specific and worse) and never giving a shit about her, said she's embarrassed and ashamed to even look at me.

Months later I think she's still avoiding me at work. And I'm powerless to change her mind because she'd think it's more faking. You can't prove you're not a liar. I'm not attracted to her and I've had crushes and even a brief relationship since then (me and that woman are still friends), but I'm still heartbroken by the betrayal. Heartbroken over a friend, who now assumes the worst in me and can't treat me with basic respect. She'd probably be happy to know it still hurts me.

Thank you for reading my blog. Just wanted to share my story of alienation. At least other people seem to think I'm ok, for the first time in my life (I'm 35) so that's a silver lining. But I really needed to trust in myself, you get a lot of your self-image from how people important to you see you and it's really hard to keep it together when the people you care most about think you're garbage. Even knowing I didn't fake it doesn't make the pain go away, it just softens it.

>>91311
just ghost next time. niggas think theyre in a movie giving a whole speach.

>>91315
shutup faggz0r

>>91271

yes, i was. i will never say i wasn't. we were both problematic in our own ways, but i was always willing to keep trying and keep talking about things even when things seemed hopeless

i wanted to be a less tiring person for him, but he didn't believe that trying to be a more empathetic person for me was worth it

its sad, but i miss him as retarded as that probably is of me

>>91311

that sounds pretty exhausting, sorry you went through that.

>without a major personality change I can't force her into, she's not someone I want a future with

although he was nowhere near as what you're describing with your experience, i guess its still the same sad realization that the change has to come from within them and there's nothing you can do

>Heartbroken over a friend, who now assumes the worst in me

i ended up drinking a few nights ago because i was having a hard time process the fact he had given up on us, i ended up texting him him while drunk

this made him really mad at me which i understand, i was told he doesn't believe in me and that he doubts i will ever get that much better and that he doesn't want anything to do with me

having this be the last thing i heard from him will always haunt me, i try going on with my day as normal but i cant stop thinking about him

thank you for sharing your story i hope you feel a little bit better

>>91311
Kill yourself old fag

>>91321
Thats not very nice of you, caca

>>91320
Thanks bro. I also think people just decide things. I think this woman decided it was all a lie, and I don't think that's healthy for her. I think she decided she was willing to sacrifice her friendships at work over this too; we would share a lunch table, but now she just eats her Lean Cuisines in her office like a miserable little gremlin. For a while I wasn't even sure she was heating them up. Imagining someone you used to care about hiding in their office sucking on frozen Lean Cuisines is heartbreaking, even if the image is funny as fuck.

I hope my story shows you, you need to force yourself to not let their perception of you become your own. Understand what you did wrong (everyone does things wrong) and why; me, I invited her to a little Easter dinner with my family, when I was still struggling with how I felt, then dumped her less than a week later. I could've done that differently. But, don't punish yourself.

And, most importantly, find other sources of social warmth to keep you warm when you're being iced out. I have over a dozen such stories from the last two months. It doesn't heal it but it scars over and you learn to thrive with the scar. Physical scars actually work the same way, the tissue never goes back to the way it was but your body learns to do the same stuff anyway. Words of wisdom from my physical therapist.

>>91347

i do agree with some of his criticisms of me doe
>Understand what you did wrong
because i know what role i played when it came to damaging the relationship, but i made it known i wanted to become better and that i had no ill intent

i admit i became more needy and tiring like he said, but i felt like he would comparatively downplay his own mistakes. i really wanted to break out of the bad cycle we were in. we were both exhausted but i felt like i was working alone, and i was right because he had long given up before things actually ended

there were so many things i still wanted to experience with him, i still believed in better days for us. its hard to accept he didn't feel the same way

>>91266
its okay boyo

>>>91347 (You)
>
>i do agree with some of his criticisms of me doe
Right, but nophono is perfect. For me, the legitimate criticisms were the easiest to acknowledge and accept. And that also helped me distinguish the fair criticisms from the demonization and the emotional reaction and valence. It's a bit flattering that I meant so much to her that she'd go so "crazy" over it, but it's not healthy for her.

I just want to be friends again. People can be friends. I also worry she's talking shit behind my back at work, but I guess that's an HR issue. I lock my office door, and I lock valuables in a drawer and take the key with me. But maybe I should put her in the mental place of someone who's just… Gone. Part of me wishes she knew the hole she left in my life, but another part thinks she'd love that I'm still feeling like this, and rub it in my face.

Are you still in touch? This girl won't even respond to me. My last message was saying, if she wants to talk and try to be friends again, I'm open to it, no reppy in almost a month. And that's after she invoked me wanting to be friends over a petty disagreement. I guess she just thought it would pull my strings. I don't trust her. And I don't think what I did warranted this level of collapse.

Why do you think he's icing you out, rather than just taking those mistakes as such?

>>91380

Having to work with your ex sounds like a terrible situation, especially since things ended this badly for you.. it sucks you think she would celebrate your sadness im sorry to hear that

>Are you still in touch?
Kind of but not really, he wants distance and as much as i miss him and want to fix things again i will respect that - especially since he told me my messages stress him out, its a sad fact but i understand it

>Why do you think he's icing you out, rather than just taking those mistakes as such?
well its again the fact he wants distance from me, but why he started "icing me out" before this is because we were stuck in a cycle where the more i needed reassurance the more he would dismiss and defend. It just kind of escalated until he decided to give up, i wanted to break us out of this cycle doe by us both trying. But it felt impossible in a way..

>ask him to put in effort to break out of cycle
>he gets more tired and pushes away
>i get more desperate to fix everything
>he gets even more tired and gives up
>ask even more for him to care about effort
>he gets even more tired
>ends things and cuts contact

it was obviously more nuanced than this but that's my best summary for you

>>91381

depressing relatablerald

>>91381
I think things ended worse for her, based on her reaction to it all. We don't interact directly at work regardless, which is nice. This thread has helped me see her as "just gone" so thanks teens.

I completely understand where he was coming from with wanting to create distance the closer you got and the more you pushed. Sometimes trying makes it worse. I feel like I was on his end in this last relationship, like as she fell in love with me I had to move away because I didn't feel the same way. Which isn't to say that's what happened to you.

I also had something similar in a recent almost-relationship with a wonderful woman who I'm still friends with, she just helped me cut my hair, shit was cash. I kind of see a few things that can happen:
>one person pushes for closeness in ways that make the other person uncomfortable
This can maybe be fixed, just push in a different way.
>One person pushes in a way that reveals things about themselves that the other person doesn't like
Less easy to fix, relates to attachment styles and whatnot.
>One person pushes which makes the other realize that, for reasons unrelated to the pushing, they don't want to be that close to the pusher in general
For the ex at work, it was 2 and 3. For the woman who cut my hair, it was 1 and 2. Idk what it is for you, if it's any of these, but this might help you think? Idk.

>>91386

im glad my thread helped you out, its nice to know someone got something positive out of this, glad to help oldcaca

im not sure if it was closeness that was the issue, we were already very close and intimate and had been dating for almost a year. it was the fact i got more needy for reassurance as time went on.

we had an incident where my trust was broken, the trust never really got properly rebuilt, then it got broken again - i became even more needing for reassurance, he got more distant - trust broke again even more - got even more needy and emotional and repeat until he eventually said i had exhausted him

i appreciate you giving the advice, just unsure of how to apply it to my situation

you will lose what you care most about. you werent prepared to lose and now you're dealing with the consequences. its the harsh reality we have to live in. dont fully invest into a person in a way that could wreck you later

>>91388

>dont fully invest into a person in a way that could wreck you later
was hard to not invest fully into him when i wanted a future with him, but i get your point. i probably should have given up when i felt him giving up so i wouldn't end up like this

now i feel stupid

>>91387
My trust was also broken, in a few ways. The first was, in a silly "falling love with your partner" question game, she said that she often lies for social convenience, just to get out of having hard conversations. I actually confronted her about that a week later, but I think she misinterpreted the point of that confrontation. Never rebuilt. Then when she was helping me with surgery recovery, I caught two more lies, one of which caused me unnecessary physical pain, intentionally in my opinion. Then other cases where I think she lied as like a test of whether I would ignore her and "do the right thing", but I failed (tism) and in one case she cried about it. All reasons I ended it, among others. Never repaired, no attempt, I stopped trying to get that attempt (gave up), then ended it.

>>91388
I wish she had known this. And she has been divorced before! You'd think that would teach someone this lesson.

>>91388

i just wish he would have shown more interest in rebuilding trust, not being able to trust the person you love makes everything complicated and difficult.

but i have to focus on trying to move on with my life too the same way he is moving on from me

Kys
Retard
Pls

>>91417
Serious question: when trust is broken, how does one rebuild it? I feel like the steps are accountability, maybe penance, and time to show the other person that you can indeed be trusted, building up a new evidence base. But I'm an analytical geezer. How did you approach this? It's a tough problem, trust is very difficult to rebuild when broken. I think my ex thought i felt more strongly for her than I did, and felt I lied about how I felt, so I think her trust in me is permanently cooked. And now, thanks to that, my trust in her is as well, and my trust in her maturity regarding relationships and in the strength of her friendships. Tough problems!

>>91410
>future with HIM
nur9kGEGBVLLS I…

>>91420
i feel like that's a really nuanced question, because it depends a lot on what the situation that broke trust was in the first place. in my situation it was complicated, rebuilding trust for me required a restriction on his part, but me asking for this made him feel like his freedom was threatened

>time to show the other person that you can indeed be trusted
i didn't feel like i got any time, i was kind of just expected to treat it like nothing had happened. more things kept happening which made him seem even less untrustworthy, doing things behind my back ect.. so i guess you can say it was "cooked"

>>91421
with xim**

>>91467
For her, it seems like it's based on an assumption that I faked a future together, and only pretended to like her. But, to me, that is an accusation of a pattern of lying, and "future faking" (her words) is narc shit, so I feel like her accusation shut me out completely from telling her how I really felt. I think she would need to indicate that she is open to not assuming the worst in me, and I haven't gotten that in over 2 months (the relationship itself was only 4 months) and I dont think I ever will. She just threw me away, assumed the worst, and never asked or gave me an opportunity to explain anything. I think if she were even a little bit open to that, I could make things better, but I've never felt like that ever since she dumped all those accusations on me. I even told her they were wrong, but I'm not going to open myself up explaining them if she's just gonna assume the worst in that too, and I told her that too. I told her the door is always open to talk, so now every day she doesn't feels like another slap in the face.

And now, I don't trust her because of all of that. If she's demonized me, and been rude and bitchy to me, I don't want to talk to her either, id just get more of the same. Not unless she's willing to come to the table. But she won't, seems like she's content to just hide away from mutual friends at work and not respond to my invitation to resume dialogue. It's so sad. I just tell myself: I learned something about her through this. This is how she deals with pain and disappointment.

In your case, it sounds like there was another part of his world that was incompatible with being with you. Did he cheat? Or just lie? Restrictions are threats on freedom, the question is always is it worth the restriction. I do think this is a verdict on you, but maybe to him, at that time, what you were asking, and therefore your relationship with him, wasn't worth it to him. That's really sad, just know that it doesn't mean you're worthless, it's just one person's judgment, and they seem important because it's so fresh. Again, try to find other sources of social warmth if you can. It really is a great healing salve for that rejection feeling.

>>91486
Correction: I don't think this is a verdict on you.

>>91486
>I think she would need to indicate that she is open to not assuming the worst in me
>She just threw me away, assumed the worst, and never asked or gave me an opportunity to explain anything

I did make it known that i believed we could get better together, that i didnt think he was a bad person but that i needed him to also be able to acknowledge his mistakes too before we could find a solution. I might have been too accusatory in the way i proceeded with things, but i was always open to talk. I didnt mind spending hours reflecting and going through our thoughts and feelings, but never felt affective because i essentially would have to ask him to do his part of the self reflection.

>Did he cheat? Or just lie?
I got lied to, and then blamed for it too. He had told me he would stop the thing i had asked him to, did it anyways and then had said "yeah i lied to her, but if she had trusted me in the first place i wouldnt have to lie". So you see how it became harder for me to view him as a trustworthy person i could feel safe with, without safety and trust theres bound to be a million arguments in the future. There was also an incident of me finding out he had been calling me a bitch and a whore behind my back whenever he would get upset and angry with me, he said this was just how he dealt with his anger but again, doesnt help with making someone more trustworthy.

>it sounds like there was another part of his world that was incompatible with being with you
He did say that hes not good with emotions or feelings, he was more of a "logic" type of person, i never had a problem with this in itself but there is a difference in being trustworthy, honest and able to reflect on how his actions had impact too - and just being a less emotional person. But to be fair, he could be emotional if it was something that concerned him. The relationship was very asymmetrical, it felt like "I want options for myself that I wouldn't be comfortable giving you."

>just know that it doesn't mean you're worthless

thank you.

>>91488
I also worry I was too accusatory in my last message to her, but at the same time, I brought receipts and, not knowing where she is at mentally, I needed to make it clear that I'm not going to tolerate being abused. Maybe she knew that's all she could bring, which is why she hasn't reached out. I just miss my friend. But, at the same time, this whole thing has proven what kind of friend she is.

In the same way, perhaps it can help you to rest on what you didn't like about how he handled it. He showed he'd talk shit behind your back (I'm almost certain my ex was too, and I know to whom) and would find excuses to lie. Do you think you have more integrity than him? I think I have more than my ex, it's hard for people with strong morals to take mistreatment because we assume it's coming from good faith, as we try to give.

>>91491

>Do you think you have more integrity than him?
Although i know theres things i had to work on too, id say generally yes. I was very willing to reflect on what i did wrong, maybe sometimes more than i should. I remember repeatedly reassuring him that i was not out after control, i was not after his autonomy ect.. and i tried understanding his perspective.

I think i always thought that if I can just explain myself clearly enough that he would understand, but he never seemed equally interested in understanding me. It hurt feeling like the effort wasnt reciprocated and he told me that its just how he is as a person, but it just feels like distancing yourself from taking accountability for how your actions impact other people

Its an explanation but not an excuse in my opinion, i dont expect people to be as emotional as me, but i dont think being honest and taking accountability is something you need to be an emotional person to do. I was very ready to take accountability, but i dont think he was yet

>>91492
Well, something I learned with this person is that sometimes people aren't so introspective or thoughtful. To some people, their own first impression of things is enough and they just move forward with that. Maybe he felt like he understood and wouldn't budge in his sense of things. My ex is stubborn, which is nice when it's on your side, but is also kind of dumb so often wouldn't budge from even objectively dumb things (like getting stoned before driving). Like she was married to her own sense of things and unwilling to acknowledge fault or be open to other perspectives. Very difficult. Thank God I dumped her.

>>91496
True, i guess i learned the same lesson. I could only solve so much by myself by taking accountability of how i was making him feel unsafe with me, but he tends to treat the situation as that i was just asking him for too much. Almost like i was ungrateful. He didnt mention or get into the mistakes he made and how they affected me and seems to only mention how he felt victimized. I couldnt make him consider his own mistakes and in this case the more i asked the more he would view me as tiring. Before we stopped talking, he mentioned that getting back together isnt impossible, but self reflection can only come from within.

Thank you for talking to me oldsoi, we never really got to how to move on from heartbreak but talking and reflecting helped has helped me get out of the guilt and self hatred. ill never be able to forget but i need to forgive to move on. Its finally summer, i finally graduated and its my birthday next month, im ready to abandon this thread now!

>>91498
Need a rebound? Do you live near Chicago? Please respond.

>>91561
made me GEG really frickin hard!

>>91503
hell no nigger i dont need a rebound get away from me you absolute filth, go back to the jarty!!!!!! HAYAH!!!!!!!!