/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

I think that I've begun to subconsciously internalize the idea that I'm subhuman from the way people have treated me. Throughout my life people have constantly mocked, bullied, and condescending me. I think they honestly didn't view me as human, just as an animal they can abuse how they like. Throughout most of middle and highschool people would consistently dedicate their time to mocking me, trying to get me in trouble, trying to scare me, and just generally taking advantage of me. I have memories of people who were supposed to be my friends literally constantly repeating my autistic mannerisms infront of me in order to mock me. I hated them and still do, if laws didn't exist I probably would've killed them. Even the people who were nicer to me like my family always treated me like an idiot who needed to be told everything. I remember having a conversation about college applications with them and my sister said that I should make sure to apply to multiple colleges because applying to a single one may mean I'm not accepted, as if I didn't understand basic logic. She in general always treated me like I was an idiot. She said I was too stupid for advanced algebra when I literally spent the entire day on my phone and still had a 95%+. The worst part is that I can't even blame people for it. I do act like a retard, I do have annoying mannerisms, I do sperg out at people. I can't even have a conversation with a person without constantly over analyzing every single aspect of it to see how much of an idiot I'm being.

Honestly I wonder how bad my psychology has been fucked up from all of this. I constantly go through severe bouts of hating myself and then adoring myself, which I think is some kind of coping mechanism. I'm an absolute coward socially and can't talk to people normally. Any time I have a conversation with a person I hate every second of it because I know how they view me. I've also noticed that I'm generally drawn to the concept of not being human in fiction. The idea of being viewed as an animal or tool who lives only for his purpose seems to interest me somehow. Like I seriously don't view myself as deserving anything more than slavery.

Being autistic is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. I honestly think that even if I could have kids I wouldn't, as a form of self eugenics. I would honestly support any program seeking to eliminate autism from the world population even if it involved forced sterilization. No one should have to suffer life in this condition, it's one of the worst things a person can have.