/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

To start off, what I am going to write in this is something I've never even uttered to anyone since the event in question took place. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone in person and I feel that an anonymous message board is best to vent these feelings, since I can't see any of your ugly mugs or do I wish to know your names. I simply just want to share it with people since I recently began pondering it in my mind and though this board would be a good place to put into words. Also I have posted here before, about an odd dream about a Frenchwoman I had, so if my typing style may seem familiar, that's why.

So, as of late I've noticed my extreme hypersexual urges constantly overwhelming me. I've always been quite sex obsessed to tell the truth. Even thought I began masturbating at 13, these sexual proclivities began even earlier than that. Always thinking about sex and what it would feel like to have it. And I wondered where it came from.

Maybe it was issues stemming from relationships with my parents, exposure to quite inappropriate content at a young age (and what I mean by this are like adult media, like jackass or family guy and the like). However when I picked deeper in my brain I brushed against a memory that I hadn't forgotten by tried my darndest to black out of my head. And even though you may think that when wondering where your odd sexual oddities originated from that memory like this would instantly pop in your head as THE main contributor. However, I assure that I tried my absolute best to stomp this event out of my mind to make me forget it that I brain was probably aware that I didn't want to relive it or ponder it any deeper as to having to confront it in relation to my current situation.

I shake as I force myself to type out the details of this, but I might as well.

Okay, so as to not go too much into the nitty gritty about what I am going to tell you, it goes like this:
When I was 7 I was friend with this boy who was the same age as I. He lived down the road from me but for some reason didn't go to the same school as me as he wasn't in my year at the time. The first time I hung out with him it was with my brother who was a year older than me after my mother had forced us to not stay inside and go out and mingle with all the other kids. Me and this kid both had the same sorta interests and we bonded over being the youngest and constantly being berated by our older brothers. We had hung out so often that we eventually came to hanging out just by ourselves without our brothers who clearly weren't as interested in hanging out as we were, he would knock for me, while other times I would knock for him. We both liked the same tv shows, like family guy and American dad, which also contributed to our shared knowledge in subjects that 7 year olds shouldn't be conversing about. For example, things like masturbation and oral sex were things we talked about when we definitely shouldn't.

This eventually led to what I wanted to talk about.
One day we were hanging about in his bedroom, and I don't even know how it came up, but if I remember right he asked me if I wanted to 'do it' with him, completely up front, and I said 'yes' as if he had asked me if I wanted a cup of tea.
It probably only lasted like five minutes tops, and I, obviously, had no idea what I was doing and neither did he. We kinda just mimicked what we thought someone would do with their mouth and the other person's 'thing'. Afterwards, I don't remember at all, we seemingly thought it was no big deal if just a bit awkward and weird. We still occasionally hung out afterwards but it dissipated after a while when troubles began in my family life and we just drifted apart. He would eventually move out of the his house down our road and stay with his dad in some apartment flat far away from us.

As time progressed since this event, I slowly realised how wrong it was. I would be in class constantly reliving while desperately trying to forget it, to block it from my mind. "That was so disgusting, why did we do it" and "why was it not brought up after it happened between the two of us" is what I constantly, for years and years, thought when the images in my mind of this incident were played back in my head. The darkness of the room, how willing we were to do it and just everything else felt so wrong and yucky that I almost wanted to bash my head against the wall to try and hit the part of my brain that made me erase the memory from my brain.

But now, 14 years after the fact, I did eventually just forget about it and just not think about it. However, and as I mentioned at the start, the memory made its way back to my cerebral front door and thinks it has the answer to my current predicament. This event most likely explain my behaviours and had a big influence on them. But now that I may have an answer, I'm not sure that to do with it.

Anywaya, that's my spiel.