/r9k/ - ROBOT9999

I want to kill myself sometimes, not all the time, only sometimes when I feel so helpless.
Sometimes I'm too happy to care, or I'm full of motivation and i'll maybe do something productive for 30 minutes before telling myself that's enough
>you need purpose
I have purpose, I know what i want to do, i just can't bring myself do it which makes everything worse
>distract yourself
I have been for years, so i removed all the distractions thinking that would help but now i just kinda sit there and fantasize about killing myself if i sit still for long enough
>its the small things you gotta do the small things!
I work out all the time and i will finish my workout and its the same, crushing feeling of weight falling onto me that I can't remove. It's like I've been maimed, like I can't think or even be aware of why I'm like this.
I just know that I am like this.
I quit caffeine and porn and online games and fucking everything but now all i can see is how utterly fucked I've always felt now that I have nothing left to cope with.
Idek what to do or where to go from here, i don't know if I'm depressed or this is some kind of mental illness I don't know about.
I don't even have it in my to go to a doctor because i hate the idea of arguing with someone about something i don't understand
I would rather kill myself than get a 9-5 i hate
I can't visualize doing anything with myself that's not chasing after my dream, yet i just can't fucking find it in my to do it and I odn't know why

I never use this board, i hate complaining, but I do wonder if anyone else can relate to this at all. I can't keep going on like this.
I have nothing to show for myself and I fantasize about ending it more and more frequently