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>That leads me to last night. I had told myself* at the beginning of Lent that, should I find myself masturbating and ejaculating, I would carve a cross into the body of my penis as atonement. I did not masturbate last night, but I did semi-willingly open my undeleted porn folder and scroll through it for a minute. Although I did not masturbate and barely became aroused, I felt that such action was grave enough to warrant punishment. Consulting the numbers, it seemed that such a punishment was permitted, but, to my knowledge, was not necessarily encouraged. I placed my second largest icon on my chair and, facing it, began to try and cut at the area where the body of my penis and scrotum connect. I had quite some psychological difficulty, so I made myself count to one of the righteous numbers while partaking in the sawing motion, knowing that I would not stop until I reached the one I had in mind. I drew blood using this method after the second or third try to the count of thirty three, and it did not hurt at all. It stung a little, but I did not feel any real pain. I drew less blood with but still succeeded in making the 2nd line to complete the cross.
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>*(When I say that I told myself, I don't know if it was me telling myself or not. I know that I have received thoughts in my head from outside of myself, like from above, which have led me towards good things, and I know that there is a second force, myself, the psyche, which is inherently sinful but not exactly and totally wicked. I do not know if there is a third force, i.e the devil, who enters my head. I cannot totally distinguish between the bad parts of my psyche and his influence, not at the current moment.)
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>Strangely, very strangely, I experienced a wet dream that same night, which is quite unusual for me. In the dream, I had my very same porn folder open, although the material present was even more taboo and extreme than I would be used to. I did not even touch my penis to masturbate, but I found myself ejaculating involuntarily, and I felt myself fading out of the dream shortly afterwards. I say fading out because the hazy transitory stage between sleeping and waking took longer than it usually would, and when I woke up, I felt the urge to listen to the song Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne, a song I haven't listened to in any capacity in at least a few months. Listening to the song, it felt as if the lyrics were targeted at me in some way, and I felt doubtful that what I did last night was the righteous course of action. Even in this current moment, I feel conflicted, but I do not feel regretful.
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>I suppose I was egged on a little by the thoughts I have been having the past few days, that I am (not to sound like an edgy faggot) limited by my human body. After all, what else most often incites lascivious thoughts and allows for sinful actions? To take some words directly out of my journal, "Until I learn to forsake my flesh, I will not be close to God. This thought is a frequent, daily occurrence: if I want to go beyond what it is to be human, if I wish to shed my mortal, carnal and temporal desires, I must not merely be willing to repudiate the flesh, MY flesh, but be proactive in carrying out my own justified scourging." I do not want to worship hedonism and mindless materialism like the droves of hylics and people of little spirit who make up the vast majority of modern contemporary society. In a less dramatic series of events, I made another incision to the aforementioned region of my penis over the last one today for good measure, and to see if my willpower had increased enough to allow me to do so. Counting to thirty three, I proved successful in drawing blood once more.
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>That concludes my somewhat unconventional clittycel blogpost. Do any of (You) experience similar thoughts and act utilising similar procedures?