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When Adolf Hitler awoke, he was not in the Berlin bunker, but in a sunlit classroom, surrounded by anime schoolgirls. He blinked. "Was ist das?" A high-pitched voice chirped, "Good morning, new transfer student!" A small girl with short hair and an unreasonably wide grin waved from across the room. "I'm Osaka!" Hitler looked around in horror. The walls were bright, the blackboard pristine, and cherry blossoms fluttered outside the window. Everything was pastel. Everything was… happy. "NEIN!" he screamed, clutching his head. "This is not my world! Where is Goebbels? Where is Eva?!" Yukari-sensei, their eccentric and occasionally violent teacher, leaned through the door. "If you're screaming already, you're gonna LOVE P.E." The other girls giggled. "Is he cosplaying a dictator?" Chiyo Mihama, the ten-year-old prodigy, looked at him curiously. "Sir, are you okay? You look… historically significant." Hitler backed into a corner. "I demand answers! Who are you people?! What is this-this colorful prison!?" Tomo, the hyperactive wild child of the group, immediately declared, "Ooh! A Nazi transfer student! This'll be fun!" It took three days before Hitler stopped trying to assemble an army out of lunch trays. He discovered quickly that this world did not obey his rules. Speeches earned only blank stares or polite clapping. Rants about Lebensraum were interrupted by gym class or cat chases. Every effort to reassert power was met with obliviousness or sheer whimsy. Yomi offered him a math book. "You're going to need this if you want to pass finals." "Finals?" Hitler muttered. "This is hell." In the cafeteria, he sat across from Chiyo-chan, her pigtails bouncing. "You can't conquer anything here. But you can learn to make onigiri!" He stared at his lunch. "I led armies. Now I wrap rice." "Character development!" Osaka beamed. If anyone represented authority here, it was Minamo "Nyamo" Kurosawa, the gym teacher. Hitler decided to challenge her to reclaim some dominance. "I request a duel," he said. Nyamo blinked. "You mean like… in volleyball?" "Volleyball or death!" They served. Hitler spiked with the fury of a thousand blitzkriegs, but Nyamo returned every shot with calm, seasoned athleticism. She crushed him. The class cheered. "Defeated… by P.E.," Hitler whispered, lying on the gym floor. "How far I have fallen." After a month, Hitler gave up trying to return home by force. He needed a plan. Chiyo's father appeared in a dream, floating as a giant yellow cat. "Hitler," the cat said in a disturbingly chipper voice. "To return, you must learn… moe." "Moe?" he shivered. "Yes. Only by embracing the sacred laws of slice-of-life can you transcend." When he woke, he punched the wall. "I must master this… moe… if I am to escape this anime nightmare." The cultural festival was his chance. Hitler designed an elaborate haunted house - complete with smoke machines and historical inaccuracies. Osaka accidentally turned it into a maid cafe. "No! Not the frilly apron again!" "You look adorable, Fuhrer," Tomo laughed. The crowd loved it. People lined up to see "Moe Dictator Cafe." Hitler poured tea. A camera flashed. He wept. On the inevitable beach trip, Hitler wore a conservative military bathing suit and tried to build sand bunkers. Osaka buried him. He watched the others splash in the surf. It was… peaceful. For a moment, he forgot the Reich. He forgot the war. Chiyo handed him a popsicle. "It's melon flavor!" He took a bite. It tasted like acceptance. Using leftover festival parts, Hitler built a crude dimensional gate behind the school. Yukari crashed her car into it. "I was only gone five seconds!" he yelled, holding a smoking control panel. "You left in the middle of cleaning duty," Chiyo scolded. "That's very un-class-rep of you." Hitler dropped the machine. "Maybe I belong here." Spring came. The sakura bloomed. Hitler stood with the rest of Class 3 on the graduation stage, wearing a uniform two sizes too small. He'd given up trying to explain who he really was. No one cared. They just called him "Ado-kun." Yukari handed him his diploma. "I still don't know what your deal is, but you somehow passed." Chiyo cried. Osaka gave him a commemorative bento. Tomo yelled, "Now you can start your own anime!" As they posed for a group photo, a light enveloped him. The dimensional gate - repaired by the Chiyo-father-cat - pulsed behind the school. "This is it," he said. He turned to the girls. "I came as a monster. But you treated me like… classmate." They waved. He stepped into the light. Back in his original timeline, the bunker was silent. Hitler stood, blinking. But something was different. A ribbon tied to his uniform. A bento still in his hand. A faint echo of Osaka's voice: "Remember to smile!" He stared at the iron table. Then, quietly, he picked up a pen and drew a cat on the wall. "Perhaps… it is not too late," he whispered.
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i unironically got shivers