â„–2608448[Quote]
I watched the christchurch video. Not gonna say how I found it, dont even ask.
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I've always had a bit of a morbid fascination. Naturally this led to me researching these horrible mass killings - its intriguing, frightening, I thought. I'm sure many of you had this experience- the slippery slope of reading about sandy hook, parkland, columbine, etc.
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I thought I could handle it. In a fucked up way I was excited to watch Tarrant's livestream when I found it. But my god.
My god, it was disturbing. The "hello brother" the pewdiepie, the screams as tarrant picked them off one by one, running into the mosque and firing so indescriminately at these innocent people for no reason, no reason at all, the woman he shot outside who kept crying for help like a broken record until he executed her on the street like she was nothing…
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Tarrant was so cruel, and so banal. He fired his assault rifle into the horde of innocents as they clutched the walls, like they were animals. They fell like broken dolls. And even then he continued to fire into their bodies as they groaned in agony.
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He killed 44 people at the Al Noor mosque. And there I was, watching on my laptop like it was a tv show. 44 lives - fathers mothers and brothers, cruelly bludgeoned, torn and lacerated by the cruel steel of a pathetic 4chan loser who was so utterly low and loathsome that he convinced himself that these people were at fault for his miserable recluse existence.
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The cowardice. The cruelty. The utter shame of the fact that Tarrant had made me complicit in his vile bloodlust - since I had sought out this video like so many others - some of whom CHEER FOR HIS CRIME.
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Truly, I felt ashamed of myself. Of my fascination with these horrible tragedies. The fact that these people lived and worked and prayed, and died horrifically and cruelly and tragically FOR NO REASON.
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And there I was, watching it all unfold just to fulfill a morbid urge - an animalistic desire to see real bloodshed.
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I dont desire to proselytize or tell you guys what to do or what is or isn't okay to watch. I'm just sharing my experience.
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And to tell you the truth I'm ashamed.
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How can I justify this fascination? I'm not a murderer, and I deplore all of them - but by consuming that horrid piece of media, I felt that the pathetic piece of human scum that is Tarrant had won something on me.
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In a way, I felt like I gave him what he wanted. Recognition. Attention. Even notoriety.
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Do any of you have any advice on how to cope with this? How do you all reckon with your mass killer fascination?
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reddit gold
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Cringe.