â„–125564[Quote]
FOR THE RECORD THE DRAWING ISN'T MINE, IT'S MADE BY RABBIT EYES 05. GO SUPPORT THE ORIGINAL ORTIST
THIS DRAWING IS JUST A REFERENCE ART FOR WHAT ARIANE LOOKS LIKE
â„–125582[Quote]
>>125563 (OP)always nice to see oc posted so I might get around to reading it later. interesting that you super sega'd your own thread
>GO SUPPORT THE ORIGINAL ORTISTanti-tranime site albeit..
â„–125594[Quote]
Interesting. Several weeks back I saw another soyteen try to worldbuild a fantasy world aswell. Maybe one day the Sharty should start its own circle of authors.
â„–125633[Quote]
I'll edit your first paragraph and leave notes for the things I've changed and why. Thereafter I'll give some advice. My work experience is having authored "reincarnated as a BBC in the BNWO" and short george floyd creepypastas
The crows flew over the capital of Krocja, kranza, up there in the tower, in the middle of the empty, humid city, the newly appointed emperor, Cyrus, is plotting his next scheme while eating a schweinschnitzel. Somehow he must conquer the nations of the east while also managing the pesky “negotiation” and “defense aids” that the white queen called upon. How he hates her, it is making his blood boil, her sanctimonious prattle even at house meetings, worse still how he was forced to listen to her and her speeches back then, oh how he HATES her. Anyways, enough of her, what shall he do next, that is, how to mobilize the next troop.
The first nation, leygask, could be convinced to join and fight alongside the empire because of its similar culture and - somewhat - similar ethnic population. However, the second nation, Tavrim, resisted and was only conquered due to combined force, as if an empire's military prowess wasn't enough. Either way, he’ll just have to wait and think about what's next to come.
NOTES:
among -> in the midst, examine "among the houses" "among crows", "in the midst of the flock" "in the midst of the city"
humid is already and adjective, humidly would then be an adverb
"empty yet humid" should be "and", nothing precludes and empty city from not being warm, like Bangkok, if it were ever empty
emperor of the empire -> emperor, its double
the newly appointed emperor plotting his next scheme while eating a schweinschnitzel. This is a clause and would work as a predicate, but its the focus and the subject of your sentence, "is" is necessary here
That scheme is to conquer nations of the east while also trying to manage the white queen’s pesky “negotiation” and “defense aids” that she called upon those nations. - this sentence is too impersonal imagine: "Somehow he must conquer the nations of the east while also managing the pesky “negotiation” and “defense aids” that the white queen called upon." - theres a lot of referrals back towards subjects mentioned earlier, try to avoid this as much as possible, it makes your sentences longer than they should be. Sometimes it cant be helped though.
"It makes his blood boil of her sanctimoniousness even during house meetings when he was his teen, worse still he was forced to be exposed to even more of her rhetoric and ideology, how he HATES it." - Again, with the "it" and "it makes" etc. wouldnt it be more interesting if: "How much he hates her is making his blood boil, her sanctimonious prattle even at house meetings, worse still how he was forced to listen to her and her speeches back then, oh how he HATES her." (this is a bible trick where you ABA or ABCBA where A,B and C are each a subject or clause.)
ADVICE: edit more. You've got some idea for a story and you know how to write a paragraph, which is already good, but a lot of the beats are too cerebral.
At the end of this paragraph, Cyrus could've thrown something out of frustration for his lack of ideas. In the next:
"Of course, his right hand man and informant, caylin, ever loyal and almost ever knowing little brother, comes to him like a’zar, the god of the krayo people, the one who dives. "
Is pretty damn interesting because I think you intended to say caylin flies? But its not clear. Cyrus should hear the flapping of wings. Maybe his brother catches whatever he's flung and brings it back to him.
Try to keep in mind what your characters hear, see and smell. It also makes for easy scene transitions.
With regard to dialogue you need to cut a lot of these little interruptions like:“Oh right” he said looking surprised “can’t say i’m surprised, it’s their propaganda, not really history too much” he gives a curious glance “unless, what i think it’s perhaps half truths most of the time, as they have their own agenda and they are attempting to legitimize themself."
could just be: “Oh right, lectures, cant say im surprised, its their propaganda, not really history too much” he grins“unless, what i think is that it's half truths most of the time, as they have their own agenda and they are attempting to legitimize themselves."
Keep them short too. Anything beyond two words starts drawing attention to itself and away from the dialogue. Unless you want some levity. "He crosses his legs, straightens his hat, pats his jacket, twice, takes out his purse, waves it in his left, weighs it with his right, and smiles. 'I think I can afford this much.' "
â„–125646[Quote]
>"Of course, his right hand man and informant, caylin, ever loyal and almost ever knowing little brother, comes to him like a’zar, the god of the krayo people, the one who dives. " Is pretty damn interesting because I think you intended to say caylin flies? But its not clear. Cyrus should hear the flapping of wings. Maybe his brother catches whatever he's flung and brings it back to him.
No it's just how cyrus glazed caylin
â„–125649[Quote]
>>125633What Floydpastas have you penned? I vaguely remember listening to BBC in the BNWO
â„–125659[Quote]
>>125657go back to your autism containment site
â„–125680[Quote]
>>125649>I vaguely remember listening to BBC in the BNWOthere's an audio version?
>What Floydpastas have you penned?invasion of the breath-snatchers, but nophono read it because its shit
â„–125685[Quote]
>>125657sure sure he'll prolly has mirage's ability
â„–125686[Quote]
>>125563 (OP)can you actually just explain what this is without the self degrading niggerbabble? maybe an actual synopsis or something?
what even is the point of making a thread for your work without giving a single ounce of context
â„–125699[Quote]
>>125686read his worldbuilding paper kike
â„–125754[Quote]
>>125686childhood friends turned rivals that would possibly turn into enemies due to some political scheming done by both sides but primarily on cyrus's side
â„–125755[Quote]
how many niggas here would want a general sharty writing thread?
â„–125756[Quote]
>>125755i can't vote cuz im a nigger so it's another yes from me
â„–126085[Quote]
>>125755we could just use this thread
/g/ is locked and I cant really think of another one a thread like this could be on
so who goes first?
â„–126205[Quote]
>>126166i thought anybody would like it
â„–126206[Quote]
gay
â„–126297[Quote]
>>126217aight, this is the story lore basically. Cyrus parent die when he was 9, got a crystal implanted into him 1 year later then the rest of the year getting bullied and taught on the academy on how to be a good leader and also being mentored by ariane while also in the nighttime getting MKULTRA'ed the shit out of him. then age 20 appointed to be the emperor and now used as a weapon of conquest by the council
â„–126315[Quote]
>>126297I wouldnt worry too much about the story
besides most of it
>parents dying>crystal implant>getting bullied>getting mkultra'dis too much to mention or spend time on, if his parents never show up, readers will put 2 and 2 together and save you the bother.
Similarly for the getting bullied/mkultra'd, instead of explaining it you can just >imply
â„–126407[Quote]
>>126315that was for the backstory.
anyway synopsis is more of about (newly appointed) emperor cyrus who is an unwitting weapon of the council waged war on the eastern council after a failed negotiation began furiously wage the war more. now it's up to ariane to end it and find out about the crystal in his heart
â„–126443[Quote]
>>1257553 niggas still needa post their shit. I want to read dammit.
I want to know what a 'een would write. Even just a short story or excerpt.