/pol/ - International /Pol/itics & /Bant/er

I'd like to preface this by saying this isn't related to trooning out or faggotry and is rather me asking for advice as im slowly trying to be rid of a mental issue I've had for a long time.

Im a man but I don't 100% understand how to be one entirely, I grew up without a father figure and I was mentally ill and deeply isolated in my tween/teen years and was suicidal. I've always been very sensitive cuz of autism and very physically weak and small my whole life, I was really insecure about this in high school and I was already depressed so I found myself latching onto media like deltarune and sanrio stuff and a variety of cute themed furry webcomics because I saw myself in/related to "soft" male characters like ralsei or Yonkagor's characters, I never really saw myself in or related to normal masculine men due to the circumstances of my childhood.

Originally I just did fantasies of getting away from reality like waking up as Ralsei and wandering his big fun castle and going on adventures, however it turned over time from just coping with my insecurities to actively seriously wanting to be the characters so I could be cute and "pretty" like them and not have any hardships or expectations, and because I was not well in the head the fantasy reached a point where I got the idea of offing myself to escape the real world and then going to a afterlife where I basically become one of those characters so I could BE an cute fluffy cartoon character forever.

While I have made alot of progress in subduing this it warped my perception of self where whenever I think or picture myself doing something even typing things out or reading things I don't hear my actual voice but just naturally hear some squeaky cartoon character voice in my head when I think or read something, because my brain just got used to picturing myself as that.

Whats should I do about this? I really envy normal guys who grow up and do normal lives without ever having these weird fantasies because I mostly don't know what to do about the fact my brain wants me to off myself so I can be whisked off to furry fantasyland as discount ralsei forever but I'd like to hear from you guys what I should do about it.

Btw im polish.