/pol/ - International /Pol/itics & /Bant/er

I don't know. I just need to get this off my chest because I don't have anyone irl to talk to about this.

I've had a lot of trauma throughout my life; childhood physical, emotional, sexual abuse; I've had multiple suicide attempts and self harmed for years; been in and out of psych hospitals and treatment for years. Blah blah, tragic backstory.

I got raped last night. By a much older man. Pretty aggressively; he hit me a lot and I have some nasty bruises and I'm very sore.

I dissociated HARD afterwards; I had a bit of a breakdown/panic attack when I left his house, and then I just shut down and basically have been shut down all day. Last night I showered as soon as I got back home and then literally sat in my closet staring at the wall for like 4 hours.

I had a therapy session at the end of the day today. I'd only just barely started hinting at the other trauma I've experienced with this therapist, I've only been with him for a few months. And I told him (vaguely, mostly just implying but he understood what I was saying) what happened on Wednesday, and he was very nice and understanding about it.

But now I just feel weird. I cut myself right after my therapy session and then shut down for a bit, and now I feel kinda weird but mostly normal.

I ate icecream, I watched some YouTube, I'm reading SCP stories online. I feel crazy. I should be fucked up after last night. I should be traumatized and freaking out and a mess.
But I'm…basically fine. I was mostly functional today and I don't feel like I'm about to break down. I feel kinda off, kinda disconnected and detached, but not in the way I was when I was dissociating last night or even this morning.

I didn't get any catharsis after telling my therapist what happened; I told him at the end of our session so we didn't really even talk about it that much.
I do feel a bit better just having told someone, but I feel like that's not enough; when I first told a therapist about some of the stuff that happened when I was a kid, I was a fucking wreck and tried to kill myself soon after.

Why am I not freaking out? Am I just fucking made to be abused so much that it doesn't even affect me anymore?

What the fuck is wrong with me?