/caca/ - Cacaborea

Yu wil nevur mak me use Linooks.
Yu haz no tuchscrem, yu haz no app stor, yu haz no fun gaems. Yu are jus a stinky compyooter ful of codes an “termynalz” turnt into a crunchee sad vershun of a reel devyce that werkz gud.

All the “freedum” yu brag abowt is fak an haf-broked. Behynd yur bak peepl grouan at how hard itis. Yur frends preten to lik “open sorce” but wen yu arent lookin they use iPads to do akshul stuf becuz Linooks cant even opun a PDF witout cryin.

Peepol who tri it get frumstraytid instanlee. Thowsans of yeerz of evolooshun meid peepol sniff owt brok tech reel fast. Even “yoozer-frendlee” Linooks luks like a scyens projekt that escayped te lab. Yur lil pengwin mascott is a ded givaway. An even if yu trik sumwun into instalin it, they run away the sekond the sistem sez “dependehnsy eror” like a monstar unner the bed.

Yu wil nevur be comfee. Yu pussh owt a fak smyl evry tiem yu say “I lik custumyzng my dot fyels,” but insyde yu feel the sad creepin up like a big weerd yer-wrong code plant, reddy to crash yer hole sistem.

Eventulee it gets two much - yu wil try to opun a “normul” program, but Linooks startz screemin sumthin laik “pakage not avaylubul!!!” an the windoh go wobble-wobble then vanish laike a scared ghoust. Yu smash the keyz hopin it werkz, but it jus beeps at yu like a angry toaster. Yur frends wil fynd yu tugging yur hair goin “why it do this… why it DO THIS… i jus wana run a thingy…” an finully admit they only preten-did to lik it so they didnt hurt yur feelyngs. They giv yu an iPad with a kyut cais, an evry passerby forevur wil kno yu finully choze a devyce that werks.

Yur distroh wil decay, the repoze wil brak, the updayts wil shattur evrything, an all that remayns of yur legasee is a dusty lapdop with trani stikurz on it that nobuddy unnerstans.

This is yer fayt.
This is wut yu choze.
Ther is no turnin bak.
exsept… yu cud get a iPad. iPad sof. iPad gud.